Eyes

The task here was to describe a body part...

On a dark cloudy day,
they are a cold, dark grey blue,
like shiny stones,
that know what is true.

On a bright clear day,
they sparkle, green and blue,
like diamonds from an ocean,
that are looking straight at you.

My evening companion

This is the fourth weeks exercise...
We had to play blind and pick up something and describe it

My evening companion

Soft, big and plush;
I like stroking the fur,
It’s lovely to touch,
But it doesn’t purr,

So nice to squeeze,
It returns to its shape,
It doesn’t have knees,
It’d be hard to break,

It doesn’t have a smell,
And has no sound to hear,
I wonder if you can tell,
This is my big teddy bear.

Depression - Poetry wk 2

This exercise was about working with metaphors and similies...

Depression

The world is so dark,
It is all doom and gloom,
Where is my sparkle?
Why did it leave the room?

I feel so alone,
trapped in a nightmare,
life is falling apart,
I wish I could disappear.

I feel dark inside,
like my heart was ripped out,
no tears left to cry,
yet this pain needs to get out.

It hides in my chest,
dark, silent and lurking,
pain, please go away,
I need to stop this hurting.

And still it persists,
till I can’t take any more,
time to change my life,
so I open a new door,

Light trickles in,
and life tags along,
happiness enters,
Why did you go for so long?

Poetry paper - first wk

1. I started with “I set up home inside my dreams” and I came up with this...

A beautiful home in a gorgeous small town,
With twinkling water, it is heaven all around,
I feel so happy, I feel so alive,
I feel like I’m soaring, right up through the skies

2. But nothing can change the way that I went...

In my life before kids
I couldn’t complain,
I had clothes, I had money,
life was a game,

There was shopping and cars,
I spent so much on shoes,
There was travelling and nightlife,
there was money for booze,

I lived in big cities,
I was living a dream,
Then I chose to have kids,
I didn’t know what that’d mean,

It meant going back home,
It meant settling down,
I found it so difficult,
I hated that old town,

First I had Noah,
born June, 2007,
He was my angel,
sent straight from heaven,

Aaliyah was my second,
born at the end of 2008,
She was born to a family
broken, filled with hate,

I had to make a change,
we had to get out,
so I made a big decision,
we moved to the Mount,
 
There we spent 2009 focused on healing,
Then in 2010 I started to get a feeling,
I needed a change, to get into a dream,
Paihia called me, it had to be seen

So off on a road trip
to follow my heart,
Which moved us to Paihia,
we made a fresh start,

And now it feels as though I’ve found a home,
More happy and content than I’ve ever known,
Now my life with kids is sometimes insane,
But life is so perfect, and I can’t complain.

3. The room closes around me

I feel the darkness around me,
I want to get out,
Is this a bad dream?
How did this come about?

My kids won’t stop fighting,
I don’t know what to do,
I’m feeling quite miserable,
It feels darker than blue,

I want to escape,
this thing called depression,
I’d rather create,
I like making an impression,

So I open the door,
And light filters in,
Something has changed,
I am happy within,

The darkness has gone,
The days are so bright,
I love my new home,
My lounge is filled with light.

Opps... what a busy month

Ok... so I haven't posted in ages...

But I have a good excuse now. I have just moved to Paihia, Bay of Islands and am living my dream. I am studying full time WRITING!! So my kids go to day care and I am writing and reading during the day... So its time to catch up on some posts I think... And I am going to post my stuff from my poetry paper I think!!

Awesomeness...

So heres what happened... I did my little trip up here. On the 24th was when I arrived here. I made a deal with the universe, with God, whatever you want to call it. It had been forcast for rain for the past three days of my travels, and hadn't yet rained, but it was due to the next day. So I said, if you put on a stunning day for me I will trust that everything will be ok, and I will move.

The 25th was a stunning day. So I made my choice. I called mum to say I was moving to Paihia and that she would no doubt have someone contact her about the house soon. The next day a family contacted her, they were moving over from Germany...

They came and looked at the house the next week, around the 7th of July. And then they said they wanted to move in by the 17th!! So I ran around like a complete crazy packing up the house in just over a week... to move to Paihia, just no idea where yet. The moving truck arrived on the 16th and all my stuff was packed into the truck. Officially homeless... I partied out in Tauranga on the Saturday night, and couldn't drive on the Sunday. So I drove to Paihia on the Monday. The 19th of July.

I walked through Paihia Mall and looked at the community notice boards. And found a three bedroom place, with SEA VIEWS. I rang about it straight away and fell in love straight away. I moved in that Wednesday, the 21st July!! Absolutely insane. I got everything unpacked in just over a week and the kids arrived on the 29th of July. I enrolled in my course on the 6th of August and here I am. Now a full time student. Studying the thing I love the most.

So I will try and keep posting my work... I am particularly enjoying this poetry paper. So fingers x'd all goes well for me!!

So happy and so excited... I am living the dream!!

Bits and pieces

I found these so thought I'd put them up before I lose them...

Fuck it, I'm in pain,
feel like I'm going insane,

I can't fucking sleep at night,
my mind keeps trying to fight

don't know how much more I can take,
feel like I'm about to break,

Like I'm about to snap,
Fuck I feel like crap,
What do you think about that?

What the fuck is wrong with me?
where the fuck is my sanity?

How'd this happen to me?
You have psychologically fucked with me
Its so plain to see, I'll never be the same internally

this insanity is eating me alive,
is it such a suprise

You had me mesmorised,
or was I just hypnotised,
by your charm and lies?

You tell me to find a fuck,
Hows that supposed to work?

you still have my heart, still tearing me apart...

You tell me to get over you,
but its something I don't know how to do

My heart is yours till the end,
don't know how to take it back,
don't know how to mend

my broken heart, my tortured soul,
I wish there was someone who could fix up that hole

But its big and its dark,
its deep and its black
I don't think time can change any of that

Damn, I'm lucky to be me,
Happy and carefree

Just one thing is wrong,
Why I'm writing this song,
You have my heart,
You have had it all along...

More bits n pieces

You might say I'm a fool, or call me a joke,
You must be a tool, all that crack that you smoke

You say I'm crazy, I think theres some confusion,
its more likely to be you who ends up in a mental institution

You fry your brain, smoking all that crack
Its amusing to think your brain can handle that...

A dark day...

Today I am crazy, tired, so amaze me
I want to yell, I want to scream, theres no way to change me

On a day like today the kids stress me out,
I scream out enraged, whats that all about?

I have so much tension, I’m tired, sleep deprived
Just wish I had more help, wish someone recognised.

I can’t cope on my own everyday all alone,
It gets hard with two kids, me and them stuck at home

I try to calm down, and turn on some sounds,
My kids won’t stop fighting, they won’t settle down

I turn to this monster, someone I despise,
I yell and I scream, then tears come to my eyes

We get in the car and go for a ride,
I have so much anger, its so deep inside

As I’m driving I think “i wish I could go fast”
I dream of going nuts on some gravel, i’d even settle for grass...

I want to feel some power, some fast acceleration
Damn I miss my suby, theres some inspiration

So I take kids to the beach, kick back, write some lines,
And then I get frustrated, my kids are running away all the time

So we pack up and go home, kids screaming in my ear,
Why do I have to do it alone, why doesn’t someone care?

I get home, kids fight instead of play,
Jeez, this feels worse than a typical day

One kid goes to bed, the other watches tv
I can’t help but feel a little sad, is this for eternity

Then I remember, my life, my hopes my dream
And then I realise this is just inbetween

I’ve worked so hard, I’ve don’t the yards
Soon is my time, luck is on my cards

I see my life for what it is
This is something I had to experience

For if i am going to change this earth
I need to experience a blessing and a curse

Now I can see, this has been my destiny,
I’m taking my time, learning how to shine,

Beyond the clouds, the sun will rise,
Tomorrow a better day when I will touch the skies.

The sky is my limit, no thats too low,
Beyond the stars, outerspace is where I’ll go

Yeah, some say I’m crazy, I say inspired,
This life won’t faze me, I’m happy, I’m alive

I’m moving toward bigger and better things,
I guess I just had to learn something about forgiving

I’m lucky today, got my kids, my life is mean
So happy to be alive, still chasing that DREAM

My Journey - Day 4

Well today was just spectacular. I left Taipa around 10am. Got to see some beautiful beaches. I took all the scenic detours. It was absolutely amazing. Fell in love with a few of the tiny wee towns on the way down.

It took me a couple of hours to get to Pahia. And then I just stopped travelling. This is heaven. There is a playground ON THE BEACH. Everything is in walking distance. The people are all so nice. Everyone says hi and chats. Its absolutely gorgeous. Stunning. I am in love. My heart has been stolen, by a town so perfect. We are meant to be.

Oh well... to continue relaxing now... :)

My Journey - Day 3

Wow, what a spectacular day today. I started off in Whangarei, left at just after 9am. Just cruised up the country. It was such nice weather. Stopped in Kaikohe to get a cheeseburger and then stopped at Kaitaia for a Subway. Also picked up a cd to listen to on my way... Just out of Kaitaia, I turned off to go check out 90 mile beach. Was so surprised to see the 100km/hr speed limit on the beach. It made me smile. Ate my lunch and then cruised up to Cape Reinga. On the way I noticed a sign to Spirits Bay, and decided I would check it out on my way back. Spent a while up the top. It was so nice to hear the waves crashing and a gentle breeze. Wasn’t cold though. Just lovely. Didn’t realise so many people travelled up there too. I got in a bit of writing and then carried on because it was almost three in the afternoon.

On the way back down the country I got to take my lil Nissan for a rally. What a fun drive I had today, went on a dirt and gravel road down to Spirits Bay... It was fun as. Got a few giggles out of it. Crazy winding roads though!!

After that I just drove to Laurens mums house in Taipa... A total of 472kms for the day!! I had such a lovely time just talking and listening to another view. And it was such an understanding view. No personal opinion on it, just facts and what its like in a small town. I felt really inspired. It felt really good.

Dear Westley

This one Westley, this ones for you
I think that its time I tried to be true

I’m sad and I’m mad, don’t know what to do
This seems so crazy, I still love you

When we were together, we said it was forever
And I always stayed true, even with what you put me through

All that hurt, all that pain, you drove me insane
And now I still love you, theres no way to explain,

I try so hard, I try every day,
To get myself together, to put you away

But when we were together, I gave you my soul,
Never knew I’d be left empty, my heart a big black hole

So I go through this struggle, raise two kids all alone,
I try to find peace, by myself, on my own

This seems crazy to me, thought we were for eternity,
I am amazing, I deserve the best,

I need to let you go, put you to rest
I loved you, I did, more than I loved me,

It breaks my heart, why couldn’t you see?
How can this be? Please set me free...

The air, the breeze, its different up here,
The ocean is crashing, my thoughts are clear

I just been listening to Eminems Recovery
Some of his songs sound like they come straight from me

I loved you, I love you, I always do
So isn’t it time you stopped being so cruel?

I treated you well, never did you wrong,
And you were evil to me, I tried to be strong

And I try really hard to dissipate,
All these feelings of pain, these feelings of hate

I deserve some respect, deserve so much more,
Noone ever treated me this badly before

All that you do, you try and push me to snap,
Please don’t be nasty, I don’t deserve that,

Because I try to be nice every time we converse
It just doesn’t seem fair, you don’t care and it hurts

I don’t ask for much, just wish you would see,
All that pain that you cause, it still affects me

I ain’t trying to get you back, just trying to be a good mother,
But sometimes I fall down, need some help to recover

And when I ask you for help, you abuse and run me down,
How is that right? I want to get further from your town

The way that you speak to me makes me depressed,
How is this fair? I don’t need the extra stress

All I’m asking you now is to grow up, don’t be so crude,
Be a man, be a dad, lose your fucking attitude

Cuz I’m this close to breaking,
I can feel myself shaking

I’m so softly spoken, I didn’t deserve to be broken,

So next time you’re mad and about to abuse me,
take a minute, calm down, because you don’t want to lose me

Cuz the day that it happens, and I fall apart,
I’m sorry to say, me and the kids will depart

Somewhere less stressful, far away from you
So then you can’t hurt me the way that you do

I loved you, still do, I’m trying to be true
Here it is, the truth, this is all for you

I know that we’re over, there is no more us,
Don’t want to go back, that’d be dangerous

I don’t want to go back, just I can’t seem to go forward,
I need to move on, you need to be ignored,

All this hurt, all this pain, there’s this hole in my heart,
wish it would all just end cuz it hurts, something hard.

My Journey - Day 2

Yesterday I finished up in Auckland. A total of 325kms travelled for the day. Spent the evening with Luke and Hope. It was so nice, it was laid back and cruisy. Just mellowed me out so so much. So enjoyed it. My funny moment of the day was driving along the motorway and seeing a cow that had mounted another cow and he was way up out of the truck... So hope the driver knew, the poor cow would’ve been taken out by a bridge otherwise!!

I stayed the night at mum and mikes house. Didn’t sleep so well and slept in till 10am. Me and Louise had pancakes for breakfast. Then visited Lauren for a catch up. That was so nice. Happy for her freedom.

In the afternoon I drove to Whangarei. Lou drove up too. We had dinner and a catch up and I really wanted to write in solitude. Not really getting any peace though. Really looking forward to tomorrow when I drive up to Cape Reinga. That will be an awesome experience.

Had a phone call from Rimaha today. He is in vegas. Since I am travelling, I will miss him... But I told him I am going to stay when I am in Auz in September.
All in all, had a pretty good day. Just really ready to get away from people. I am sick of being told the same stuff over and over. Just really want to get away from it. Don’t really want to talk about it. I just want to unwind and relax. And just explore my inner workings some more. Oh for peace. Tomorrow will be a journey. A peaceful one. When I get to the top I will be able to just chill out and meditate a bit. Maybe write a bit. With just me and myself. Totally looking forward to that inner self time....

My Journey - Day 1

First bit of my journey was Papamoa to Hamilton. I did 122kms in the morning. I kinda felt a bit sad that I am leaving my kids for a week. But I have so much going on in my head. I have this overpowering feeling of needing to get as far away from Westley as possible. He is still doing my head in. I don’t want to deal with him anymore. Hopefully my answers will arrive while I’m on my journey.

Dear Family

I am all alone, I raise two kids, all alone. All day every day its just me and them.

I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t really know how to explain it.

I’m fine for a while, I feel happy and free,
and then I get tired and something happens to me.

I feel all worn out, my head starts to pound,
I’m tired and grumpy, there’s no one else around

I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together.
But I’m unpredictable now, just like the weather.

Some day’s it is sunny, so happy carefree,
Some days its dark, tired, stormy, and thats not like me

Its those days when its dark and I’m all alone,
I get so upset because no one will come home.

I feel so numb, I guess I feel empty
Its hard to explain, maybe its like a zombie

I look at my kids and feel nothing inside,
I wish they would go away so I wouldn’t need to cry

All day every day, its becoming so really draining,
All that emptiness I feel, it feels like I’m failing

I need something more, more than just a week,
I need someone around, to recognise when I need sleep

I can’t do this alone, don’t know how I survived this long
So I’m asking for ideas, for help, because this is wrong

I really need some help, for someone to care,
I don’t want any money, just somebody here

It won’t be for long, it won’t be forever,
just give me some time, a chance to put my life back together

I need to get out, I can’t stay at home all day,
I need to be working, or I’ll go insane...

I’m getting depressed, days can be high or they can be low,
I know what to do now, I need some support though

I hate feeling like this, down, out and so poor,
When I look at my life it make me depressed even more

All I want is for some help, for things to change,
But right now I feel trapped. Like a prisoner in a cage

My mind is a genius, it feels like its wasting away
I need to use it, what more can I say?

I hate what I’m becoming, and mum, I’m sorry to say,
I’m becoming more and more like you every day

I snap and I burst, I explode into rage,
I yell and I scream at them, I hope its just a stage

I want this to change and so I’m asking for help
Please don’t denyu me, cuz I’m starting to want out

I’m looking around, searching, trying to find somewhere to go
I want to be near people who care and want to help

I’m looking at my options, they seem so limited
Should kids go to their dad? Do you think he could handle it?

I’m starting to think about going far away,
Maybe Kim will help me more if I go to whangarei

I’ve even thought Raro, go live on an island, The kids would run free, maybe the community over there might help, a whole bunch of strangers that might give a stuff

I actually don’t know what to do. Here I have friends, a nice place to live
But I haven’t got the support I need while I am going through this

I’ve tried and I’ve tried to do it alone, its just not working anymore
I’ve tried taking them to the beach for the morning, they run away, won’t listen, wont stay...

So we go home and I have to put up with them fighting and hitting
I’m at my wits end, its been coming for a while now...
My 4.5 hours a week isn’t going to help this

So what do you suggest? Cuz I’m all out,
I don’t know any other ways to ask for help

Depressed...

Fuck it, not another one,
Thought after yesterday I was done

Another night, not enough sleep
Now I’m tired again and these demons creep

Its not even 9, already yelling, fighting, crying,
Its no wonder I’m insane...

I can’t be bothered anymore
Wish I could drop them at their daddy’s door

Say here’s your kids, you have them,
So I have time to recover, get back to me again...

I’m tired, just need to rest
So I think it’d be best

If you could have them live with you
Because I’m losing it, don’t know what else to do

When I’m tired and feeling blue,
All I seem to think of is you

It drives me wild, it makes me mad,
I can’t smile, how did I get this bad?

I need a week, maybe two,
So I can shed these demons, get rid of you

In my darkest day, my tormented hours
I get so mad at you, these kids are OURS

Not supposed to be just me,
Alone raising OUR family

Why did this happen? Is this my destiny?
Why has this task become MY responsibility?

Its so fucking hard, I got no fucking choice,
I HAVE to have them, now hear my voice

All day every day they take and they take
There none left of me now, is this a mistake?

I need some time on my own,
So I can smile when they come home

I need to find a place, somewhere to escape,
A personal bit of space, so I can appreciate

The beauties that I have right before my eyes,
They are my lil angels, why am I starting to despise?

These treasures have been a gift, inspiring me to go on
They are also my biggest challenge, teaching me what is wrong

Society is fucked up, the world is going crazy,
I think I’m going mad, someone forgot to train me

I feel sick right now, just feel like crying again,
How’d this happen? Thought I wouldn’t be like this again

I feel so numb, empty like a zombie,
I want to escape, I want to be free

I keep exploding with rage,
Wish I could disappear into this page

How did I get so down?
When will I hit the ground?

What will it take? When will they care?
I feel like a fake, I’m going nowhere.

But I know in my heart all I need to be free,
Is time and space, some peace just for me

To be all on my own, away from my home,
To sit quietly, just be me, all alone

So I’m trying to be strong, I know this feels wrong,
I’m trying to stay true, but I don’t want to be blue,

My head won’t stop aching,
Feel like a mad man in the making...

Memories...

Feel like I’m going out of my mind,
What is it that I am trying to find?

Somewhere, back there, I lost my soul
Im searching for it, in this deep dark hole

It used to sparkle, it used to glow,
I was a light, where did that go?

All I want to do is fly so high,
Reach for the stars, touch the sky

Sometimes in my day dreams,
I feel luck is on the way

Sometimes I wish words could express what I mean
I’m waiting for a brighter day

I keep getting stuck, keep thinking fuck,
I want to get my happiness, onto paper, into this

But it seems my gift is my curse,
All these words are just given, every line every verse

It keeps going back to the days of my hell,
Its like I have to get this out, I got a story to tell

Something true, something real.
This is what I gotta do so I can heal

I go back to a day in 2007,
My gift was delivered, sent straight from heaven

ONE YEAR Later in 2008,
thats where it began, its when I learned hate

I was working my ass off just to pay the bills,
Cuz I had the brains, he had his muma skills

He told me “no” but I couldn’t terminate tho
Thats when it all changed, stuff went insane

That was the day, my dream started to slip away,
Not long after that was when he got back on crack

This was the start of the end,
lies that I couldn’t comprehend

The whos, the whats, the whens and the whys
All of those questions were answered with lies

I knew the truth, it screamed from my heart
I must’ve been stupid, I didn’t want to part

I was getting so tired, worn out all the time,
All I wanted was hijm working, was that such a crime?

He had all the excuses, work was coming, “just wait”
I tried to be patient, but I guess this was fate

He was never going to work, I could see that somehow
Though I begged and I hoped, wished he’d pick up that trowl

He’d try to escape, get high, stay out late,
I worked so hard, was tired, just wished he’d appreciate

All I was doing to keep our family fed,
Trying to make ends meet, trying to get ahead

Somewhere in this my world started to fall
I fell to depression, I felt so damn small

Feeding his addiction, crack was his obsession,
He was living a contradiction, he couldn’t see my depression

My world fell to pieces, the lies were eating me alive,
Could barely get out of bed, its so hard to describe

Me lying there tired, him sitting there wired,
Yelling abuse, where was the man I once admired?

He would say “you can’t even look after your son,
How the fuck will you cope, you’re a hopeless mum”

The pain from those words, its hard to explain,
Maybe like a knife slashing through a vein

As he would sit there running me to the ground,
I would wish he’d just hit me and my heart would pound

One of those days we were fighting outside,
He put his hand around my throat, I was terrified

He wanted to kill me, he told me that day,
He said thats what’d happen if I took his son away

He drove me insane, I was pregnant and crazy,
Picked up the 3 seater and threw it off the balcony

This is a life of domestic violence,
I’m sad to say, I hid it in silence

Todays creations...

I started inspired... but it all kinda turned to custard... Maybe it'll improve as the day goes by...

I'm a solo mum, I got two kids
Never thought my life would be like this

I chose to walk away
Cuz it woulda been wrong to stay

In a relationship with violence, drugs, depression,
So now I'm on my own and I cant help but question

Is it time for society to look and see this crazy obsession
With violence, gangs, p, is this making an impression?

Right now I feel like a crazy yo yo
Swinging from extreme highs to depressed lows

Seems like whenever I don't get a decent sleep I lose it
Doesn't happen often, just wish i could improve it.

I hate this monster that I become,
Its like I turn into someone,

Someone who I despise,
And thats when I look and realise
Life dont give any of us a prize
For being perfect so I apologise

Cuz I have to go over this all over again,
Gotta confront all my issues, the hurt and the pain

It all seems so wrong, so hard, unfair,
Why should I struggle, why doesn't he care?

He's out on Ebail, sits home all day
He couldnt care less about my struggle today

What about his life, eats sleep and play
His life is fine, he doesn't pay

I’m screaming at them, they are screaming at me,
I’m crying on the inside, how can this be?

I feel like I’m failing, the kids won’t stop complaining,
How can it be, its like my kids are draining me?

All I need is a break, some time to create,
My mind needs to elevate, so I don’t fall into hate,

I’ve already felt despise, toward he who would criticise,
The one who took drugs, told lies, the one who brought tears to my eyes

Don’t want to go back there, sometimes I wish he would disappear,
All this pain and despair, feels like some kinda nightmare.

I want to work on this a bit more I think...
Need to put more of myself into it... hmmmm...

What I see...

I look around and what do I see?
Craziness everywhere, do they wish they were free?
Whats going on, how can this be?
Is there something wrong or is this destiny?

Whats wrong with this picture?
I think you should tell me...
I’m not trying to judge you,
This is just reality

Its not whats right, its not whats wrong,
I’ll tell you what I can see, its simple, its reality.

This is what it is,
nothing in between,
Its your life, you decide,
Its it a nightmare or a dream?

This is just life, a harsh reality,
No place to judge, just watch destiny...

I’m still reeling from the shock,
Can’t believe what I’ve seen,
Its been a few years now,
I still can’t shake these scenes

It plays in my head,
I cant understand
I choose not to judge,
But can someone explain?

A house full of children, their dad is gone,
Mummas selling crack now, thats what pays in this home,

Out to get fried, some friends come inside,
Because this is their friend, on who, they depend,

A source of supply, a place to get high...
Noone thinks it is wrong, no one asks why?

Into a room, the kids are watching tv,
Mum closes the door, she doesn’t want them to see,
They search for a pipe, none can be found,
Time to buy a light bulb from the local countdown

Another friend calls in, her kids in tow,
Shes after some crack too, what do ya know?
The light bulb arrives, and out come the fries,
The lighter flicks on, now I am surprised,

Here is a kids mother, having a puff,
The bulbs at kids eye level, damn, I seen enough

Yet its not my place to judge

How about the daddy, becoming a p addict,
He has to start dealing so he can feed his habit,

Once he had a job, a life, a house, a car,
Now it is clear, he won’t get very far,

It seems everything he had, he is going to lose,
It all seems so sad all because he had to abuse

Every day he’s searching, while she is at home hurting,
Hes trying to find another 100 so he can get high,
This is the truth, the reality, its not a lie,
they borrow, they steal, they lie and they deal
This is why kids go hungry, yeah it is real.

There are days where theres no food and all that mumma can say,
is that “daddy smokes crack, we can’t do the shopping today.”

Every night sitting at home wondering where he is, all alone,
She knows what hes up to, searching or dealing, thats why hes not home
So hes lying and dealing, shit, he just got caught stealing,
And I wonder why this life seems so appealing?

With that comes the curfew, thats such a pain,
And now she finds out shes pregnant again,
How’d that happen? Failed contraception,
Its a miracle happening, gotta change direction,
The lives are all changing, whats your perception?

Trying to hold it together, hanging onto a small hope,
Maybe things will change, it better, she don’t think she can cope,
With two lil kids, just her all alone,
Its scary to think about doing it all on her own

But he keeps getting worse, life becomes cursed,
Now she comes last, she used to come first,

This man has changed, he ain’t the same,
The old one was good, this one causes so much pain

Hes out every night, gets home around three,
He won’t come to bed, hes playing PS3

The day is getting closer, its nearly here,
She starts to wonder if he will even be there,

She knows that hes on it, they fight day and night
And here is a baby girl, delivered by daylight,

Now he is home, to witness the birth of his second,
Theres no happiness in his eyes, they are black, know what happened?

Time goes on, she finds light bulbs, then her son finds a crack pipe,
She realises it time, she is better than this, these kids deserve a better life,

Yet its not my place to judge...

What about another, a dad, a kid and the mother,
The fathers a crack head, the mothers abused
She loves the daddy, its why she cant choose,
She can’t see the reality, she cant set them free,
Her mates say love conquers all, its destiny,
So the violence continues on, she is abused,
The daughter grows up, wonder if shes confused,

Yet its not my place to judge...

And this shit continues on, no one will say “stop, this is wrong”
Its just reality, some people have chosen this destiny,
Some people can’t help it, they don’t know any different,
And its not my place to judge, just observe every minute,

I know my truth, what my kids deserve...
And I guess all I wonder, while all this goes on,
Is, when is it right and when is it wrong?
They all tend to say that they are so real,
And the question for me is how does this make you feel?
Your heart tells the truth, it never lies,
So if you think theres something wrong, then its time to ask why?
Do something about it, before its too late,
Fix what is yours, your life you create...
And if theres nothing wrong, then none of this matters,
It’ll just be a story, evidence of lives left shattered.

So before I got sidetracked

So before I got in my car and drove down the road and got side tracked, I was starting to write some really deep stuff... and it wasn't the usual dark stuff too :)

I have been reading some books, Conversations with God, finished the first book, am halfway through the second. This stuff has really hit me. My family was never religious and didn't really force anything on me, so I just believed in what came naturally. Which is great in a lot of ways because I came to the belief that there is a God, and yes, He would be inside of me, and instinctively this was enough.

I was a believer in the sense that, my God, that I created for myself, didn't worry too much if I didn't go to church, wasn't baptised, didn't mind that I hadn't read the bible and wouldn't send me to Hell because I have a good heart. I firmly believed that God was the type of guy that believed in forgiveness, and I didn't really think anything I could ever do would be bad enough to justify Hell.

So I read these books, and they spoke words to me that I have known to be my truth my whole life. The first book clarified a lot for me... I guess it enforces my self belief. And gave me a bit of direction. It confirmed what I have known all along, and now I just trust myself even more than I already did...

The second book, which I am reading now, is what has really been hitting me hard today... Now for the crazy stuff...

Ever since I was pretty small, I've always felt different. I never really fitted in anywhere. I had lots of friends, but none that were really close. You know how, at school, there are always groups and you are usually in one group, or another? Well I was that girl that didn't belong to any particular group, I just went between them. I was the one that was with one group some days, another other days and another on other days. If someone was out cast from their group, there was me to look after them, and when I was being outed from one lot, I still had a bunch of others who knew the truth about me...

I didn't ever really analyse it back then, its just how I was. I didn't care. I didn't get sad about it. I was the nice girl. The one who didn't really like gossip. The one who didn't talk nasty about everyone else. I was the girl who just was.

When I was at tech, I met some more people, and found a really good friend, still my best friend now. And it was he that pointed me in the direction of who I am becoming. He pointed out my qualities, my talent. That I am the most caring, kind person, that I always want to help, everyone, no matter what. That I like to help people. He also told me he felt that I was destined for something really big.

And I believed him. Within myself I have always believed I was destined for great things. Things I want, I get. If I put it out to the universe, to God, he always delivers. I am blessed. Extremely lucky. I know the power of my mind. I have complete control over what I am given.

So when I was soul searching, I looked for the ones I admire, who do I aspire to be like. And I'm extremely drawn to Mother Theresa, Princess Diana types. I know I want to help. I want to help as many as I can. I know I want to help families, I want to help mothers of young children who have suffered from abuse, or need to get away from a father who might be on drugs, dealing or involved with gangs. I want to help those innocent kids. I want to be helping stop child abuse and poverty. I want to make an impact. I looked at Helen Clark, all that she achieved. And David Lange, and thought many times about going into politics. The only thing that stopped me was people saying to me I wouldn't be able to stop the corruption, the lies, the childish bullshit that goes on in there. That maybe it would take over me, maybe I would become that... So I didn't walk that path. Even though I felt like I wanted to be in a powerful position so I could make an impact.

I want to do so much, and I have been thinking HOW? I thought about money. If I wasn't a DPB mum I'd be out there giving money to everything. Started working on my business. I figured if I could just make enough to break into the big money, then I could start working on my little dreams (which are still HUGE) and then maybe it'd roll into bigger things. I aspired to be like Richard Branson, or Bill Gates, using my money to help people and create things that would help others to help themselves... Wow, what a task I set for myself. I want to be a billionaire... Scratch that, I am GOING to be a billionaire. And I am GOING to help these people... Now I know a bit about the how.

Do you believe in God? If yes, and if you have an open mind, then you should really start reading these books... because surely there has to be hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands, at least, like me? Surely. And if there is then we will be able to make Gods dream a reality. Yeah the second book is extreme... I haven't even finished it yet. But I am already on a mission to find the ones out there that have a mind like mine and are clever enough to work toward implementing something like this... Honestly, I don't know ALL the answers. Yet. But I am bypassing all the littles here. I want to go straight to the big stuff.

I want to change the world. I want to make it a better place. I want to see peace happen in this lifetime. It can happen. I refuse to believe the word "can't". There is no such thing to me. I realise that I may not be able to solve the worlds issues... But by getting as many people on the same page, we are half way there. If everyone thought the way I did, then half the problems would disappear... If even half the world thought this way then so much of the devestation would disappear. Its a movement of thinking, a universal movement. I have some of my hows... Im jotting them down as I go through these books.

And then I am going to start putting it out there. I am going to try to connect with those inspirational people that can help change peoples opinions, people that other people follow and admire. People that the majority look toward for direction and what is right. There are so many of them out there. If I can find the right ones... I think there are some, I am thinking that Barack Obama would potentially listen, and that would help. Helen, and I will have to research other international leaders... Then there would be musicians, who are so important. They spread word through their music. The impact that is felt amongst people through those words are things that make people FEEL. And there are artists out there with passion to change the way the world is. People look to these celebrities for direction, for what is right, what is the truth. Then there are people who have read this book. There are some that have taken these words from God and used them to their own benefit, which is fine, thats part of their experience. But there are others, like me, hit to the core, with the knowledge that this is a part of my destiny.

Now I probably sound like I am the one that was on that crack right?? I wonder if I sound absolutely insane... But I actually don't care. Because there will be those that will judge me for being a broken ass DPB mum and saying stuff like this and they will be sitting there dissing this, saying stuff like "she can't do that, she can barely support her family"... and those people don't worry me at all... because those are the people that are sitting there, worrying about themselves, and not looking at the bigger picture... those are the people that don't put much thought into the rest of the world. They live their lives without considering other peoples struggles.

The people I am looking for, are the people that read those books and feel what I feel. The people that think to themselves, I want to be a part of this. I keep wishing there is someone else out there, right now, reading what I just read and feeling what I am feeling. Knowing what I know. Knowing that this is a chance to be something great. In my heart I am a little afraid... A little nervous, along the lines of, what if there isn't anyone else out there with my passion, what if someone else isn't already in the process of this?? What if I have to start this mission from scratch??? I so hope that someone is already working on this project. I feel like I would prefer to join a person already so passionate, so that they take the credit, and I would just be the side kick... Or the kick in the side... At the same time I get a bit of a feeling that maybe this will be my job. Making this work. Pulling it all together... And its scary. A big task ahead of me...

Maybe I will change my mind again tomorrow (but I know in my heart this is my destiny calling me)... So now I have completed a HUGE and crazy post... Good night I guess... I'm going to finish this book...

A creation...

I was driving down the road and somehow words started coming to me... And so this is what I wrote when I got home... Its a start, written in like 45mins, so maybe with a bit more thought and effort I could make it a million times better...

Some of it made me cry writing it... Oh well, here it is.

P is a drug, more like a disease,
You act like a thug, you wreck families,

You call yourself gangsta,
But you are sicker than cancer

You are eating away at lives
Its about time you start to realise

This shit ain't a game,
Its fucking insane

Your bro just got out the loony bin,
There you all are offering crack to him

He says "no", one, two, three, four times, maybe five
And then he thinks "I'm not an addict, I'll survive"

Yall get fried, sit round the table, talk lies,
A few months later hes gone crazy again,
Is that such a suprise?

You all say you so loyal,
You call yourselves bros,
But you are killing each other
With this disease and you know.

How many of the boys have to go fucking crazy?
Before you realise that p is really just a disease,
Go ahead and try, do your best, amaze me,
You can't because this is whats destroying our families,

Your own flesh and blood,
The one you call brother,
He knew what you had to lose,
A child and your pregnant babies mother.

Still he sat there and offered you this shit,
Didn't give a fuck, thought you'd get away with it,
He mighta said "dog, have a puff, she'll never know"
You chose to accept, thought that I'd never go.

He didn't realise this about me,
That I wasn't stupid, that I could see,
That my whole world was changing,
That I was going to lose my whole family,

We are all gone now
The ones that you loved the most,
I wish I knew how,
All thats left is a ghost,

I want you to know that it isn't him that I blame,
It is you, why can't you see, you caused all the pain

You swore on our kids lives,
You promised me that it wasn't true,
You musta had me hypnotised,
I almost believed you,

But my heart told the truth,
It screamed at me from the start,
But I needed to see the proof,
And that shattered my heart.

When the truth arrived
There was no suprise,
Just something in me died,
It brought tears to my eyes.

My dreams of my family were broken,
My family was shattered beyond repair,
Now we were just another family,
Destroyed by this nightmare.

Thoughts for tonight

Jeez, I'm in a funny mood still. I read that letting out your negativity is a good thing. So that made me feel better. Before I read that I was feeling so much internal conflict. I am always so happy, smiling, positive and optimistic. I always live in my dreams and my hopes... I always think about what I am working toward and I try not spend too much time on my now (cuz it makes me unhappy) and the past. I focus on my dreams and future as much as I can. It makes me feel excited and inspired. I get this amazing feeling... Do you know what I mean?? That feeling of a dream, its kinda like an internal sparkle... To me anyways...

So when I get in these funny writing moods I was almost feeling something like guilty. Guilty for going against my usual self. Like a split personality I guess. Its like on the outside I'm one thing, and on the inside there is so much darkness, so much pain. And I have spent so long supressing it, pushing it down, fighting it, trying to forget it. And then every now and then it springs up and I feel all the emotions and sensations surrounding it. Sometimes its pain, sometimes its rage, sometime its hatred, psycho, madness, heartbreak. And it feels like "who is this imposter inside of me?" cuz I know that I am not her.

I am one thing. This alter ego is another. Its the dark side that writes the best stuff. The stuff that is written from torture, from violence, from pain, from heartbreak, from abuse, from shattered dreams, my broken family, my life... That is the stuff that seems have the hardest hitting words. Whenever I read my old writing, I can feel it. I can see it. Some days it brings tears to my eyes.

And that is what I am going to write tonight. I am going to write the story that this morning made me catch my breath. This morning when I was in the shower it came back, like its haunting me... Its almost been a year, almost to the day. And today it came back, I could feel it. My heart started pounding, I had this feeling, how to describe it? It starts in my chest, my heart feels like it wants to beat through my chest, it starts racing, my insides feel like they are hot, and ready to burst. It is behind my eyes, ready to explode. It is in my stomach, it feels almost black, it almost feels like metal or something cold and hard but at the same time liquid? No sense. Like a big black hole or something like a tornado going around inside of me?? Trying to explain this feeling that I feel is so hard... Maybe this will help

Its Monday, 22nd June, 2009. I am at home in Papamoa, with my two kids. I had left their Dad only six or so weeks earlier. I had found out a couple of weeks ago that he had already moved on. With a girl that had been going out with one of his friends. She had been texting my baby's daddy while we were still a family, and she was still with her man. She used to cheat on that guy a bit from what I have been told. I know she was texting him because I managed to catch her out... Then she tried to deny it, but left my babys dad alone. It must've been only a couple of weeks after I left that she was outta her relationship and all over my kids dad...

That wasn't the pain. The pain was my kids. My lil boy had just turned two, my lil girl was only 5 and a bit months old. She was still so little. And the kids had been keeping me up at night. Their dad didn't want to know about it. Didn't even seem to care all that much. I rang him up that night, and was so angry, I hated him for letting our family end that way. I was giving him a piece of my mind. He didn't even care.

I was so angry. He was living in MY HOUSE, because I was too nice (his mum didn't want him at hers, he had no job so had nowhere else to go) and I only asked he paid the power bill... And I set down the rules, there was to be no friend by the name of RISK going there, and no bitches... My stuff was still there, I was waiting for him to move out so I could move back.

In this phone call he hung up on me, and turned off the phone. I was absolutely wild. I don't get angry, so it was out of character for me. I was simply trying to get him to look after the kids every second weekend so I could have a break, he didn't want to hear. After that I decided I would drive to my house and give him my thoughts to his face. I needed to have it out for once and for all. I needed to scream at him. I needed him to hear my anger... Mum wouldn't let me go that night, so first thing next morning, I left Pap for vegas... It was 7am...

I got to vegas, my house about 8am. Pulled up the driveway. Everything was quiet, no extra cars. I calmed down a bit (right now my insides are pounding, like I was there, almost shaking) thinking yeah, hopefully its just him there.

I let myself in the door. Walked into the lounge (thats where he had been sleeping on his mattress because it was my bed in my room), and found RISK, and another piece of shit that I didn't want in my house asleep on my babys daddys mattress. My heart really started pounding then. I was absolutely off the meter... CRAZY WILD. I couldn't have prepared myself for what was about to happen, the possibility of what followed never even crossed my mind...

I flew into my room, ripped off my duvet ready to launch into a screaming match about why those crack heads were in my lounge, and wow, there she was, in my bed. How did I not pick up on that BEFORE walking in there (my insides are actually shaking now, on verge of tears as I write, I'm there)??? I don't even know what happened after that... I know I was ready to start screaming at him about why the fuck couldn't he just look after the kids once in a while, why the fuck did he have to have those crack heads as mates, when was he going to be a man and take some responsibility for his kids, but I was in shock. I came back to reality and I was straddling him punching him in the head with one hand and trying to rip her g string with the other. I was thinking to myself "that fucking bitch is going to walk down the main road in nothing but torn underwear", and "this fucking mongrel, knew he was low, never could've believed he would go that low"... I don't remember really caring that he was with her, just I remember saying "if you wanted to fuck that slut, why the fuck didn't you do it in your car, or a cardboard box or on the side of the fucking road, NOT IN MY BED YOU FUCKING SHIT"... I was thinking to myself they will all just leave... I wasn't really thinking that I was in a house filled with gang members who were regular crack heads that could pick me up with one hand and put me where ever without any trouble (I'm a tiny thing, weigh 50kg (just) and only 165cms, he is the opposite... MASSIVE).

So I was punching the shit out of his head (this is the FIRST time I have ever hit anyone) and he was just picking me up carrying me off, expecting me to stop. I jumped as hard as I could on his foot, shoulda thought to smash him in the dick the fucker (but then I subconciously wouldve expected to get a hit back if I did that, so that is probably why I didn't). He was trying to drag me through the house. Every time we went through a door frame I clutched onto it with my hands and feet. Held on. At some stage I noticed there was blood on the walls... It was only then I realised it was from my hands, I was still clutching my keys, so hard my skin was bleeding. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, it woulda sounded like murder...

He finally got me in the kitchen. I was shaking, screaming, crying, completely out of control. Absolutely beyond anything I had ever been before. And he was shoving me around trying to get me out of the house. I wasn't moving. His mates had woken up by that stage and they were yelling out to him not to hurt me (they had been there, done that with male assaults female charges before) but they wouldn't come near.

I remember looking into his eyes, and they were just pools of black, they had been on the fries... DEFINATELY. I guess that realisation was what made me a lil bit more nervous. I know how psycho crack can make people. I think some reality started to kick in. I started to realise I wasn't going to win if I kept fighting. A knife (sharp one) dropped from me banging into the fridge, it had been sitting on a ledge by the fridge. We both stopped for a 100th of a second, we both looked at it, we both read the others mind. I wanted it because I didn't want to be stabbed. He wanted it cuz he didn't want me to stab him (not that I would've cuz I was crazy, but not that crazy). He won. He got it. I think about then a bit of fear crept in. I started to assess my options. I wasn't leaving empty handed.

I looked to the door. In the back of the lock were his keys. His keys to his precious mercedes (old school gangsta ride)... Without a seconds thought I sprinted to the door pulled the keys out and jumped into my car. I had to lock it with my car alarm cuz central locking had gone and he was coming at me like he wanted to kill me. So I was driving in reverse, steering locked, till I just about hit the gate, un-alarmed the car to straighten up for a second, re locked the car and reversed back some more, almost hitting a wall this time (driving enraged while a car is steering locked is really not advisable), and repeating my unlock straighten process, reversing as fast as I could to the top of the driveway, then unlocked the car and was straight out onto the road. It was about two seconds down the road, shaking, that I realised my hand was sore. Broken.

So I went to a friends place. Rang my ex sis in law, and she sent her man (kids uncle) down to sort my babys daddy out. It was the most crazy day of my life...

Physically I was ok, except for the broken hand (broke it in three places). Turns out my fragile lil hands aren't for fighting (I knew that all along, its why I left, I was never going to be able to fight him back). Mentally, traumatised I guess.

I didn't sleep for ten days after that. I was absolutely shocked. I hate it that all that emotion happens when it pops up. I guess I never really dealt with it. I didn't have a chance to. I just had to be strong for my kids. Put on a happy face. Carry on. Which I did.

What is my point of this? No idea. I have no idea how to make those feelings go away. I don't want to remember this. I don't want to see this morning played out ever. Because when it creeps up on me, it makes my heart race, pound. It makes my insides go all weird. Something like anxiety i guess? It feels like my insides are vibrating something horrible. And I don't like that feeling at all...

I much prefer the happy vibrations I get when I am working on something hopeful, fantastic. But those words don't make people stop. Those words don't make peoples skin prickle. Those words won't make eyes prickle and well up. Those words can't make people cry.

I guess thats what I can't understand yet. My words do this, make people feel this emotion, like they are there (well some of the time anyways) and I like the feeling that my words are so powerful that they evoke emotion. But I can't put my finger on it, why do I feel like my writing is a success when I get reactions like those?? Why do I feel like my writing is more powerful when it is hitting something so hard that people have tears??

Well I guess part of it is because I love feeling the emotion behind words. I guess it is because when I hear a song that is written from the heart it makes my skin prickle, my eyes prickle or well up and sometimes (not often) I cry. I have this hard as fuck wall I keep up, day in, day out. Don't like people seeing me down or crying. I never complain about my life, always praise it, always grateful to it, I always look at the positives. And when something repeatedly gets me down, I do something to change it. This blog is the start of something for me. It is me trying to bring my walls down. To open myself up to the world...

I guess I am branching out. I want my story in music I think. I want my words to evoke emotion. I'm not musically talented myself... But hopefully someone somewhere will like where I'm going with this and then maybe a song will be written, using some of my words, and hopefully it will be one of those ones that are so powerful people feel it... My biggest musical inspirations are 2pac (some of his music is written to me, not literally, but the person/people who live my life or something like it) and eminem (he knows who he is, he speaks his truths and is fearless of what the critics say, I admire this because I aspire to someday achieve that fearlessness). Obviously I love a whole lot of others, but I guess I love the real stuff the most. The dissing and the bullshit is just same old. In NZ Smashproof did a song Brother, it topped NZ charts for ages... I think the reason why is because it was so close to home... it touched so many in personal ways... Maybe I'm wrong though. I do look at things in very different ways to most people... I call myself different from everyone else. I just am. I am the shooting star. I fly off into space in my daydreams... I've always felt alone, there is noone on the same planet as me... I'm ok with that... But I live in hope, that I will someday find a whole bunch of shooting stars, people that touch the sky, touch hearts, and can understand me...

WOW, huge amount of thoughts tonight... So its nearly 11pm in NZ... I best get to bed... Hopefully after that big write I wont be kept awake by my thoughts, hopefully my mind will feel a bit lighter, and hopefully some of that trauma will have eased... I guess this is the test. Wish I could ask eminem if all his writing made him feel any better... Hahaha... Maybe one day I will. :)

Some of my creative stuff...

This is a start... The first time I have ever even considered putting this sort of thing out there. I haven't been writing like this for long, but it's something I want to keep working at because I seem to be developing a liking for it... I don't know if its good or not... Its from the heart, its my journey, its my writing. It is taking so much courage just to put this out there at all... but I have to start somewhere... so this is just a little of what I have been doing lately. I guess I will keep writing and it will keep getting better. I feel like I have a bit of talent, as most of what I write just comes to me from nowhere in particular, usually when I'm trying to sleep... so each lil bit only takes me a minute or so to write... Don't know where I'm going with this... but I guess someday I'll find out :)

Is your life just a joke from all the crack that you smoke?

Maybe you’ve lost hope and don’t know how to cope?

Have you lost the dream, do you know what I mean?

Are you surrounded by dead beats, addicted to the streets?

Are you tortured with violence, struggling in silence?

Is your life living hell, do you wish he was in a cell?

Is it two kids under to, or three under four, is that why you’re not sure?

I turned my struggle into a victory
Now you’re gone all that’s left is the history
the memories left are all heartbreak,
thats what happens when you’re just a fake,
Just another dream turned into a nightmare,
Just another family, broke, beyond repair

All you care about is the crack you smoke,
Even though you say you don’t

When I couldn’t get out of bed
all you could say was “bitch you’re fucked in the head”

Left as a single mum, trying to raise two lil kids on my own,
Shoulda been treated like a Queen on a throne...

When I gave you my life
you told me you would make me your wife.

Gave the kids your last name,
cuz i was supposed to have the same

I loved you so much, but it wasn’t enough,
wasn’t you anymore, life got too tough

The old you was gone,
lost to the game
so now i’m all alone,
living in pain

Gotta be by myself, heal myself, bring myself back from the dead...
All because you wouldn’t stop fucking with my head

Do those demons still wake you up at night?
Waking you, shaking you, until you fright?

Are those hands still going around your throat?
Or is that from all the crack that you smoke?

Do you still twitch when you’re in bed?
Are you gonna say its all in my head?

Today is a bad day

Today started off so good... I was determined to be me for the day, calm, quiet, the good mum...
Just seems that lately I am so close to the edge. Just always ready snap. I feel so tense, so stressed out, so drained.

I feel miserable today. Not usual of me at all. But I know what it is. I fully just want to get away from my kids. Or have them go away from me... for days. I feel so terrible even writing it. But lately Aaliyah has been so hard to deal with. Its like in the game of me vs them, they are always winning.

I look around at other solo mums, and most of the time I am ok, but today it makes me cry. Everyone else has someone else to help them... Most have the baby's dads take the kids every week or two. My baby's dad is a crack head, doesn't even text or call to check on them, and once every now and then usually after 4 to 6 wks he must remember he hasn't seen them for ages and texts and asks to have them.

The main problem with that these days is he can only have supervised visits and so that makes it pretty limited with what we can do... He has always said he wants to get the supervision taken off but he never will because the day that happens he has to do regular drug testing... which he knows he can't pass. So its all talk no action.

And I get left for weeks on end without a real break. The wkend just gone I had my mum and sister stay. It helped me catch up on some sleep. Made me feel heaps better cuz I was tired and drained, but its like I'm so worn down now that I just need to get away... for a while, just to refresh myself, de-stress. Unwind.

There are other mums that have their family or flatmates that help out all the time... My family is great, but they aren't around often enough... and mum doesn't want me to have a flatmate. Today I just feel lost.

So I guess this is my attempt at getting away from them. I try and write or read a book or anything to take my mind off them, but its not really working cuz they just terrorised the bench... basically what I had started to get ready for dinner.

I just feel like I am falling apart. Maybe I am supposed to pull it together and be a better mum to them, but right now I just want nothing more than to get away.

I wish their dad cared... at all. I wish he would give a shit that I am drained and need a break. But he will just tell me I'm useless and that I'm failing, and it'll just make me feel worse.

Its not often that I get like this.... I am usually so happy, positive and optimistic. But I just feel worn out. Just like my kids have been pulling my insides out till there is nothing left.

This morning I had it beautifully... I was thinking to myself I feel like a poorly built house... To the outside I look great, modern, nice, perfect I guess, but its built so crapy that it probably won't survive the next storm. I feel like the only thing holding me up is myself, and the second I trip everything will fall over, into myself, like a big hole opening up below us.

I love my life, but at the same time I hate it. I guess the reason I love it is because I love what I am working towards, my goals and my dreams, and most of the time I try my best not to look at what it really is. Most of the time I live in my dreams and don't look at my reality. But when I do I get really down. I always try and look ahead, but on a day like today its so hard.

My kids are just turned 3 and almost 18 months. I have been on my own with them since not long after my youngest was born... and its hard. I get heaps of help from my family to help get kids clothes and stuff, I don't know how I'd survive without them. It makes me so upset when I think about how I can't go shopping. Everytime I go over $110 at the supermarket I feel terrible, and so after nappies and formula, theres not really a whole lot to go on actual food. and after that there isn't anything left for anything beyond bills. I can't even save to go get my hair done, or buy a nice anything let alone shoes or a damn hat for the kids. Every cent I spend on anything I feel guilty about cuz most of the time it has to go on the credit card, which always gets more and more owing... instead of less and less. I remember the days when I used to be able to pay the whole thing off every other week... even when it was maxed out...

I am working my ass off to get a bar started (I don't intend on working inside it, have another owner for that side) and I know once I get it going life will get easier... Winz will help out more to get the kids more hours in childcare... Its just taking way longer than the A plan...

Its days like these when I go back to hating their dad... I have forgiven him for his faults, he is a shit, I accept it. But when I am so close to breaking down (or maybe even already there) I feel like it should be his responsibility to step up and help. And it makes me so angry at him. I wish I could ring him up and scream abuse at him. But it won't change anything so I won't bother. Once apon a time I would have bothered... Now I don't. I keep wishing that he would be changed, not so I can take him back and be a family, we are well past that, just so that he could be a dad to his kids, properly, more than once every now and then.

Jeez, what a shitty post this turned out to be.... Hopefully next post will be full of happiness and usual me... Damn.

Its been a while

Well its been over a year... so I guess I should now dedicate at least a couple of hours per week to my writing and being brave...

I'm finding it a big challenge to break down my walls and open up entirely... The shit that is inside me is so dark and horrible... I guess I fight it all the way.

I feel like I have split personalities... On the surface I am everything that is Melissa... Awesome, happy, positive, optimistic, friendly, just damn amazing...

Then I go below the surface, to my realities... As soon as I pick up a pen and want to write something from within, it seems to turn dark, painful. Yet this is my best stuff...

I have usually kept a diary... Been that way most of my life. Just I always found when the writing got too bad or sad I would stop. Should've kept going through those times, that probably would've given me some amazing stuff...

I think its time for me to be open and write my heart wrenching stuff, for the world to see... its bravery I guess... letting my insides get out...

I have so much pent up inside of me... Words keep me awake so often. Lately I been writing a collection of rhymes. I can't help but wish I can get my words out to the world some how. I don't necessarily expect to change anything, just maybe touch a few hearts. I wan't to get these words to mean something to someone, or many. I want to make skin prickle, bring tears to eyes, I want to write with feeling... Not put up this false wall of amazing all the time...

I love my life, I am awesome, I am happy, brilliant, sexy, fun, crazy, beautiful, amazing, the very best mum, ambitious and everything else that is awesome...

But my other side, the dark one, needs an outlet...

NEED to stick with this...

So tonight, I won't get to the deep stuff... cuz my internet don't like me much, it keeps dying. And I'm not inspired tonight... but next moment of inspiration I will write...

I know I am destined for something great, I have something amazing ahead of me... I know of a couple of the great things I will do. I want to help people and give people opportunities. I just need to get to a place that allows me to help the best way I can...

So let my dreams begin again and hopefully I can pull together my most amazing work and put it here for the world to see, or not. Bravery.