So before I got sidetracked

So before I got in my car and drove down the road and got side tracked, I was starting to write some really deep stuff... and it wasn't the usual dark stuff too :)

I have been reading some books, Conversations with God, finished the first book, am halfway through the second. This stuff has really hit me. My family was never religious and didn't really force anything on me, so I just believed in what came naturally. Which is great in a lot of ways because I came to the belief that there is a God, and yes, He would be inside of me, and instinctively this was enough.

I was a believer in the sense that, my God, that I created for myself, didn't worry too much if I didn't go to church, wasn't baptised, didn't mind that I hadn't read the bible and wouldn't send me to Hell because I have a good heart. I firmly believed that God was the type of guy that believed in forgiveness, and I didn't really think anything I could ever do would be bad enough to justify Hell.

So I read these books, and they spoke words to me that I have known to be my truth my whole life. The first book clarified a lot for me... I guess it enforces my self belief. And gave me a bit of direction. It confirmed what I have known all along, and now I just trust myself even more than I already did...

The second book, which I am reading now, is what has really been hitting me hard today... Now for the crazy stuff...

Ever since I was pretty small, I've always felt different. I never really fitted in anywhere. I had lots of friends, but none that were really close. You know how, at school, there are always groups and you are usually in one group, or another? Well I was that girl that didn't belong to any particular group, I just went between them. I was the one that was with one group some days, another other days and another on other days. If someone was out cast from their group, there was me to look after them, and when I was being outed from one lot, I still had a bunch of others who knew the truth about me...

I didn't ever really analyse it back then, its just how I was. I didn't care. I didn't get sad about it. I was the nice girl. The one who didn't really like gossip. The one who didn't talk nasty about everyone else. I was the girl who just was.

When I was at tech, I met some more people, and found a really good friend, still my best friend now. And it was he that pointed me in the direction of who I am becoming. He pointed out my qualities, my talent. That I am the most caring, kind person, that I always want to help, everyone, no matter what. That I like to help people. He also told me he felt that I was destined for something really big.

And I believed him. Within myself I have always believed I was destined for great things. Things I want, I get. If I put it out to the universe, to God, he always delivers. I am blessed. Extremely lucky. I know the power of my mind. I have complete control over what I am given.

So when I was soul searching, I looked for the ones I admire, who do I aspire to be like. And I'm extremely drawn to Mother Theresa, Princess Diana types. I know I want to help. I want to help as many as I can. I know I want to help families, I want to help mothers of young children who have suffered from abuse, or need to get away from a father who might be on drugs, dealing or involved with gangs. I want to help those innocent kids. I want to be helping stop child abuse and poverty. I want to make an impact. I looked at Helen Clark, all that she achieved. And David Lange, and thought many times about going into politics. The only thing that stopped me was people saying to me I wouldn't be able to stop the corruption, the lies, the childish bullshit that goes on in there. That maybe it would take over me, maybe I would become that... So I didn't walk that path. Even though I felt like I wanted to be in a powerful position so I could make an impact.

I want to do so much, and I have been thinking HOW? I thought about money. If I wasn't a DPB mum I'd be out there giving money to everything. Started working on my business. I figured if I could just make enough to break into the big money, then I could start working on my little dreams (which are still HUGE) and then maybe it'd roll into bigger things. I aspired to be like Richard Branson, or Bill Gates, using my money to help people and create things that would help others to help themselves... Wow, what a task I set for myself. I want to be a billionaire... Scratch that, I am GOING to be a billionaire. And I am GOING to help these people... Now I know a bit about the how.

Do you believe in God? If yes, and if you have an open mind, then you should really start reading these books... because surely there has to be hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands, at least, like me? Surely. And if there is then we will be able to make Gods dream a reality. Yeah the second book is extreme... I haven't even finished it yet. But I am already on a mission to find the ones out there that have a mind like mine and are clever enough to work toward implementing something like this... Honestly, I don't know ALL the answers. Yet. But I am bypassing all the littles here. I want to go straight to the big stuff.

I want to change the world. I want to make it a better place. I want to see peace happen in this lifetime. It can happen. I refuse to believe the word "can't". There is no such thing to me. I realise that I may not be able to solve the worlds issues... But by getting as many people on the same page, we are half way there. If everyone thought the way I did, then half the problems would disappear... If even half the world thought this way then so much of the devestation would disappear. Its a movement of thinking, a universal movement. I have some of my hows... Im jotting them down as I go through these books.

And then I am going to start putting it out there. I am going to try to connect with those inspirational people that can help change peoples opinions, people that other people follow and admire. People that the majority look toward for direction and what is right. There are so many of them out there. If I can find the right ones... I think there are some, I am thinking that Barack Obama would potentially listen, and that would help. Helen, and I will have to research other international leaders... Then there would be musicians, who are so important. They spread word through their music. The impact that is felt amongst people through those words are things that make people FEEL. And there are artists out there with passion to change the way the world is. People look to these celebrities for direction, for what is right, what is the truth. Then there are people who have read this book. There are some that have taken these words from God and used them to their own benefit, which is fine, thats part of their experience. But there are others, like me, hit to the core, with the knowledge that this is a part of my destiny.

Now I probably sound like I am the one that was on that crack right?? I wonder if I sound absolutely insane... But I actually don't care. Because there will be those that will judge me for being a broken ass DPB mum and saying stuff like this and they will be sitting there dissing this, saying stuff like "she can't do that, she can barely support her family"... and those people don't worry me at all... because those are the people that are sitting there, worrying about themselves, and not looking at the bigger picture... those are the people that don't put much thought into the rest of the world. They live their lives without considering other peoples struggles.

The people I am looking for, are the people that read those books and feel what I feel. The people that think to themselves, I want to be a part of this. I keep wishing there is someone else out there, right now, reading what I just read and feeling what I am feeling. Knowing what I know. Knowing that this is a chance to be something great. In my heart I am a little afraid... A little nervous, along the lines of, what if there isn't anyone else out there with my passion, what if someone else isn't already in the process of this?? What if I have to start this mission from scratch??? I so hope that someone is already working on this project. I feel like I would prefer to join a person already so passionate, so that they take the credit, and I would just be the side kick... Or the kick in the side... At the same time I get a bit of a feeling that maybe this will be my job. Making this work. Pulling it all together... And its scary. A big task ahead of me...

Maybe I will change my mind again tomorrow (but I know in my heart this is my destiny calling me)... So now I have completed a HUGE and crazy post... Good night I guess... I'm going to finish this book...