Today started off so good... I was determined to be me for the day, calm, quiet, the good mum...
Just seems that lately I am so close to the edge. Just always ready snap. I feel so tense, so stressed out, so drained.
I feel miserable today. Not usual of me at all. But I know what it is. I fully just want to get away from my kids. Or have them go away from me... for days. I feel so terrible even writing it. But lately Aaliyah has been so hard to deal with. Its like in the game of me vs them, they are always winning.
I look around at other solo mums, and most of the time I am ok, but today it makes me cry. Everyone else has someone else to help them... Most have the baby's dads take the kids every week or two. My baby's dad is a crack head, doesn't even text or call to check on them, and once every now and then usually after 4 to 6 wks he must remember he hasn't seen them for ages and texts and asks to have them.
The main problem with that these days is he can only have supervised visits and so that makes it pretty limited with what we can do... He has always said he wants to get the supervision taken off but he never will because the day that happens he has to do regular drug testing... which he knows he can't pass. So its all talk no action.
And I get left for weeks on end without a real break. The wkend just gone I had my mum and sister stay. It helped me catch up on some sleep. Made me feel heaps better cuz I was tired and drained, but its like I'm so worn down now that I just need to get away... for a while, just to refresh myself, de-stress. Unwind.
There are other mums that have their family or flatmates that help out all the time... My family is great, but they aren't around often enough... and mum doesn't want me to have a flatmate. Today I just feel lost.
So I guess this is my attempt at getting away from them. I try and write or read a book or anything to take my mind off them, but its not really working cuz they just terrorised the bench... basically what I had started to get ready for dinner.
I just feel like I am falling apart. Maybe I am supposed to pull it together and be a better mum to them, but right now I just want nothing more than to get away.
I wish their dad cared... at all. I wish he would give a shit that I am drained and need a break. But he will just tell me I'm useless and that I'm failing, and it'll just make me feel worse.
Its not often that I get like this.... I am usually so happy, positive and optimistic. But I just feel worn out. Just like my kids have been pulling my insides out till there is nothing left.
This morning I had it beautifully... I was thinking to myself I feel like a poorly built house... To the outside I look great, modern, nice, perfect I guess, but its built so crapy that it probably won't survive the next storm. I feel like the only thing holding me up is myself, and the second I trip everything will fall over, into myself, like a big hole opening up below us.
I love my life, but at the same time I hate it. I guess the reason I love it is because I love what I am working towards, my goals and my dreams, and most of the time I try my best not to look at what it really is. Most of the time I live in my dreams and don't look at my reality. But when I do I get really down. I always try and look ahead, but on a day like today its so hard.
My kids are just turned 3 and almost 18 months. I have been on my own with them since not long after my youngest was born... and its hard. I get heaps of help from my family to help get kids clothes and stuff, I don't know how I'd survive without them. It makes me so upset when I think about how I can't go shopping. Everytime I go over $110 at the supermarket I feel terrible, and so after nappies and formula, theres not really a whole lot to go on actual food. and after that there isn't anything left for anything beyond bills. I can't even save to go get my hair done, or buy a nice anything let alone shoes or a damn hat for the kids. Every cent I spend on anything I feel guilty about cuz most of the time it has to go on the credit card, which always gets more and more owing... instead of less and less. I remember the days when I used to be able to pay the whole thing off every other week... even when it was maxed out...
I am working my ass off to get a bar started (I don't intend on working inside it, have another owner for that side) and I know once I get it going life will get easier... Winz will help out more to get the kids more hours in childcare... Its just taking way longer than the A plan...
Its days like these when I go back to hating their dad... I have forgiven him for his faults, he is a shit, I accept it. But when I am so close to breaking down (or maybe even already there) I feel like it should be his responsibility to step up and help. And it makes me so angry at him. I wish I could ring him up and scream abuse at him. But it won't change anything so I won't bother. Once apon a time I would have bothered... Now I don't. I keep wishing that he would be changed, not so I can take him back and be a family, we are well past that, just so that he could be a dad to his kids, properly, more than once every now and then.
Jeez, what a shitty post this turned out to be.... Hopefully next post will be full of happiness and usual me... Damn.
No comments:
Post a Comment