Its been a while

Well its been over a year... so I guess I should now dedicate at least a couple of hours per week to my writing and being brave...

I'm finding it a big challenge to break down my walls and open up entirely... The shit that is inside me is so dark and horrible... I guess I fight it all the way.

I feel like I have split personalities... On the surface I am everything that is Melissa... Awesome, happy, positive, optimistic, friendly, just damn amazing...

Then I go below the surface, to my realities... As soon as I pick up a pen and want to write something from within, it seems to turn dark, painful. Yet this is my best stuff...

I have usually kept a diary... Been that way most of my life. Just I always found when the writing got too bad or sad I would stop. Should've kept going through those times, that probably would've given me some amazing stuff...

I think its time for me to be open and write my heart wrenching stuff, for the world to see... its bravery I guess... letting my insides get out...

I have so much pent up inside of me... Words keep me awake so often. Lately I been writing a collection of rhymes. I can't help but wish I can get my words out to the world some how. I don't necessarily expect to change anything, just maybe touch a few hearts. I wan't to get these words to mean something to someone, or many. I want to make skin prickle, bring tears to eyes, I want to write with feeling... Not put up this false wall of amazing all the time...

I love my life, I am awesome, I am happy, brilliant, sexy, fun, crazy, beautiful, amazing, the very best mum, ambitious and everything else that is awesome...

But my other side, the dark one, needs an outlet...

NEED to stick with this...

So tonight, I won't get to the deep stuff... cuz my internet don't like me much, it keeps dying. And I'm not inspired tonight... but next moment of inspiration I will write...

I know I am destined for something great, I have something amazing ahead of me... I know of a couple of the great things I will do. I want to help people and give people opportunities. I just need to get to a place that allows me to help the best way I can...

So let my dreams begin again and hopefully I can pull together my most amazing work and put it here for the world to see, or not. Bravery.