Bits and pieces

I found these so thought I'd put them up before I lose them...

Fuck it, I'm in pain,
feel like I'm going insane,

I can't fucking sleep at night,
my mind keeps trying to fight

don't know how much more I can take,
feel like I'm about to break,

Like I'm about to snap,
Fuck I feel like crap,
What do you think about that?

What the fuck is wrong with me?
where the fuck is my sanity?

How'd this happen to me?
You have psychologically fucked with me
Its so plain to see, I'll never be the same internally

this insanity is eating me alive,
is it such a suprise

You had me mesmorised,
or was I just hypnotised,
by your charm and lies?

You tell me to find a fuck,
Hows that supposed to work?

you still have my heart, still tearing me apart...

You tell me to get over you,
but its something I don't know how to do

My heart is yours till the end,
don't know how to take it back,
don't know how to mend

my broken heart, my tortured soul,
I wish there was someone who could fix up that hole

But its big and its dark,
its deep and its black
I don't think time can change any of that

Damn, I'm lucky to be me,
Happy and carefree

Just one thing is wrong,
Why I'm writing this song,
You have my heart,
You have had it all along...

More bits n pieces

You might say I'm a fool, or call me a joke,
You must be a tool, all that crack that you smoke

You say I'm crazy, I think theres some confusion,
its more likely to be you who ends up in a mental institution

You fry your brain, smoking all that crack
Its amusing to think your brain can handle that...

A dark day...

Today I am crazy, tired, so amaze me
I want to yell, I want to scream, theres no way to change me

On a day like today the kids stress me out,
I scream out enraged, whats that all about?

I have so much tension, I’m tired, sleep deprived
Just wish I had more help, wish someone recognised.

I can’t cope on my own everyday all alone,
It gets hard with two kids, me and them stuck at home

I try to calm down, and turn on some sounds,
My kids won’t stop fighting, they won’t settle down

I turn to this monster, someone I despise,
I yell and I scream, then tears come to my eyes

We get in the car and go for a ride,
I have so much anger, its so deep inside

As I’m driving I think “i wish I could go fast”
I dream of going nuts on some gravel, i’d even settle for grass...

I want to feel some power, some fast acceleration
Damn I miss my suby, theres some inspiration

So I take kids to the beach, kick back, write some lines,
And then I get frustrated, my kids are running away all the time

So we pack up and go home, kids screaming in my ear,
Why do I have to do it alone, why doesn’t someone care?

I get home, kids fight instead of play,
Jeez, this feels worse than a typical day

One kid goes to bed, the other watches tv
I can’t help but feel a little sad, is this for eternity

Then I remember, my life, my hopes my dream
And then I realise this is just inbetween

I’ve worked so hard, I’ve don’t the yards
Soon is my time, luck is on my cards

I see my life for what it is
This is something I had to experience

For if i am going to change this earth
I need to experience a blessing and a curse

Now I can see, this has been my destiny,
I’m taking my time, learning how to shine,

Beyond the clouds, the sun will rise,
Tomorrow a better day when I will touch the skies.

The sky is my limit, no thats too low,
Beyond the stars, outerspace is where I’ll go

Yeah, some say I’m crazy, I say inspired,
This life won’t faze me, I’m happy, I’m alive

I’m moving toward bigger and better things,
I guess I just had to learn something about forgiving

I’m lucky today, got my kids, my life is mean
So happy to be alive, still chasing that DREAM

My Journey - Day 4

Well today was just spectacular. I left Taipa around 10am. Got to see some beautiful beaches. I took all the scenic detours. It was absolutely amazing. Fell in love with a few of the tiny wee towns on the way down.

It took me a couple of hours to get to Pahia. And then I just stopped travelling. This is heaven. There is a playground ON THE BEACH. Everything is in walking distance. The people are all so nice. Everyone says hi and chats. Its absolutely gorgeous. Stunning. I am in love. My heart has been stolen, by a town so perfect. We are meant to be.

Oh well... to continue relaxing now... :)

My Journey - Day 3

Wow, what a spectacular day today. I started off in Whangarei, left at just after 9am. Just cruised up the country. It was such nice weather. Stopped in Kaikohe to get a cheeseburger and then stopped at Kaitaia for a Subway. Also picked up a cd to listen to on my way... Just out of Kaitaia, I turned off to go check out 90 mile beach. Was so surprised to see the 100km/hr speed limit on the beach. It made me smile. Ate my lunch and then cruised up to Cape Reinga. On the way I noticed a sign to Spirits Bay, and decided I would check it out on my way back. Spent a while up the top. It was so nice to hear the waves crashing and a gentle breeze. Wasn’t cold though. Just lovely. Didn’t realise so many people travelled up there too. I got in a bit of writing and then carried on because it was almost three in the afternoon.

On the way back down the country I got to take my lil Nissan for a rally. What a fun drive I had today, went on a dirt and gravel road down to Spirits Bay... It was fun as. Got a few giggles out of it. Crazy winding roads though!!

After that I just drove to Laurens mums house in Taipa... A total of 472kms for the day!! I had such a lovely time just talking and listening to another view. And it was such an understanding view. No personal opinion on it, just facts and what its like in a small town. I felt really inspired. It felt really good.

Dear Westley

This one Westley, this ones for you
I think that its time I tried to be true

I’m sad and I’m mad, don’t know what to do
This seems so crazy, I still love you

When we were together, we said it was forever
And I always stayed true, even with what you put me through

All that hurt, all that pain, you drove me insane
And now I still love you, theres no way to explain,

I try so hard, I try every day,
To get myself together, to put you away

But when we were together, I gave you my soul,
Never knew I’d be left empty, my heart a big black hole

So I go through this struggle, raise two kids all alone,
I try to find peace, by myself, on my own

This seems crazy to me, thought we were for eternity,
I am amazing, I deserve the best,

I need to let you go, put you to rest
I loved you, I did, more than I loved me,

It breaks my heart, why couldn’t you see?
How can this be? Please set me free...

The air, the breeze, its different up here,
The ocean is crashing, my thoughts are clear

I just been listening to Eminems Recovery
Some of his songs sound like they come straight from me

I loved you, I love you, I always do
So isn’t it time you stopped being so cruel?

I treated you well, never did you wrong,
And you were evil to me, I tried to be strong

And I try really hard to dissipate,
All these feelings of pain, these feelings of hate

I deserve some respect, deserve so much more,
Noone ever treated me this badly before

All that you do, you try and push me to snap,
Please don’t be nasty, I don’t deserve that,

Because I try to be nice every time we converse
It just doesn’t seem fair, you don’t care and it hurts

I don’t ask for much, just wish you would see,
All that pain that you cause, it still affects me

I ain’t trying to get you back, just trying to be a good mother,
But sometimes I fall down, need some help to recover

And when I ask you for help, you abuse and run me down,
How is that right? I want to get further from your town

The way that you speak to me makes me depressed,
How is this fair? I don’t need the extra stress

All I’m asking you now is to grow up, don’t be so crude,
Be a man, be a dad, lose your fucking attitude

Cuz I’m this close to breaking,
I can feel myself shaking

I’m so softly spoken, I didn’t deserve to be broken,

So next time you’re mad and about to abuse me,
take a minute, calm down, because you don’t want to lose me

Cuz the day that it happens, and I fall apart,
I’m sorry to say, me and the kids will depart

Somewhere less stressful, far away from you
So then you can’t hurt me the way that you do

I loved you, still do, I’m trying to be true
Here it is, the truth, this is all for you

I know that we’re over, there is no more us,
Don’t want to go back, that’d be dangerous

I don’t want to go back, just I can’t seem to go forward,
I need to move on, you need to be ignored,

All this hurt, all this pain, there’s this hole in my heart,
wish it would all just end cuz it hurts, something hard.

My Journey - Day 2

Yesterday I finished up in Auckland. A total of 325kms travelled for the day. Spent the evening with Luke and Hope. It was so nice, it was laid back and cruisy. Just mellowed me out so so much. So enjoyed it. My funny moment of the day was driving along the motorway and seeing a cow that had mounted another cow and he was way up out of the truck... So hope the driver knew, the poor cow would’ve been taken out by a bridge otherwise!!

I stayed the night at mum and mikes house. Didn’t sleep so well and slept in till 10am. Me and Louise had pancakes for breakfast. Then visited Lauren for a catch up. That was so nice. Happy for her freedom.

In the afternoon I drove to Whangarei. Lou drove up too. We had dinner and a catch up and I really wanted to write in solitude. Not really getting any peace though. Really looking forward to tomorrow when I drive up to Cape Reinga. That will be an awesome experience.

Had a phone call from Rimaha today. He is in vegas. Since I am travelling, I will miss him... But I told him I am going to stay when I am in Auz in September.
All in all, had a pretty good day. Just really ready to get away from people. I am sick of being told the same stuff over and over. Just really want to get away from it. Don’t really want to talk about it. I just want to unwind and relax. And just explore my inner workings some more. Oh for peace. Tomorrow will be a journey. A peaceful one. When I get to the top I will be able to just chill out and meditate a bit. Maybe write a bit. With just me and myself. Totally looking forward to that inner self time....