I'm strongly feeling strongly for solo mamas studying on the DPB right now... I am one of them. As of the 1st of April the government increased the base benefits. Mine went up $10 apparently. The government had, since October (I think) been giving us an extra $5 "GST relief". Ok, thanks for that government, but maybe it would've been wise to tell us that the "GST relief" was only until 1st of April, to help with the increased GST when it came into play. But now thats gone. Along with my entire $48 extra temporary additional support. Which was basically contributing to my childcare costs... Which you need if you study. So my $10 increase, actually resulted in a $30 reduction.
I managed to get myself a $150 food grant. Wicked. Thanks WINZ. I have $300 left. If I want that I have to show them my budget. That will be so fun... I'm an excellent budgeter. I left in tears yesterday.... Didn't do the shopping till today.
So this afternoon I pull into the Countdown Paihia parking lot. Emotionally I felt ok. I told myself "I'll be fine". I had myself the list of food I wanted to get to last as long as humanly possible with numbers down the left estimating how much I'd spend. Walking through the fruit and vege section I realised I had totally forgotten to write down apples for the kids. Add $4. Opps. I went through and weighed everything (which I usually don't bother with) and felt like a broken ass. Meat section. The MEAN section more like it. $10.50 for 1kg mince... hmmm. Bugger. Only one of those can go in. Get myself a couple of the smallest steaks I can find and think to myself "thats my treat for the week". I see the lamb. Before, I would do roast lamb once every three or so weeks. I look at the price $17 for a little tiny itty bitty one. Yeah, nah, that'd blow the budget by way too much. My heart sinks a little bit. I pick out the smallest packets of chicken I can find. Literally the cheapest, smallest bits on the shelf... then try to walk past the bacon... but I look at it longingly, thinking how much we like bacon on our french toast Sunday mornings. My eyes start to prickle, realising that this is how life is right now... But I take a breath... Holding it together. Just.
The next few isles are pretty much as I expected, although I was gutted that I missed out on the $1 chopped tomatos, none left. Then I walk past the easter eggs. Again I get the prickle of tears in my eyes. They have all the big beautiful boxed ones, I noticed a few that are about $5.50, tiny ones, and my heart is breaking. What will I get my kids for their easter? I see some eggs, they are mid sized, no box, no chocolate buttons, just wrapped, $3 each. Just holding down tears, I decide to throw in two, one for baby girl and one for my boy, even if it means I go over my $150. That will mean I don't have to drive 20kms to the Warehouse and waste gas to save $1 on an egg I can't really afford anyways.
I get to the top of the next isle, and staring at me is yoghurt. Crap, forgot to put that on the list. And I know I can probably go without it, but it makes life easier on the weekends if I can give my baby girl a yoghurt before her midday nap. There goes another $4.
So I'm down to the last isle. Yes, I'm almost out of here... And so far I haven't broken down. Awesome, I can see the finish line. Dammit, no home brand bread. Have to spend an extra dollar on super soft. Bugger.
Finally, the checkout. I get in behind a lil old lady. I can't see anyone I know. I breathe out. Relief. With half my items on the checkout, with a couple of bits and pieces to the side in case I go over, a day care mum pops up behind me. And mentions easter. And I fail. I point to my eggs sitting in the trolley. "That's all mine get this year". I start to tell her about my day yesterday, but I can't hold it together. The lady on the checkout says "171.40" and I hand over my WINZ food grant sheet. Tears are streaming from my eyes, and I'm still trying to hold it back. I pay the extra $20 on my credit card, and the poor day care mum is standing there asking if I need anything. Which, "I don't", I say "I've got food, kids won't go hungry, thats all that really matters to me." I say thank you to her though, its nice to know she cares, and then bolt out as quick as I can. God I hope noone else saw me. I never cry. And definitely not in public.
Once I'm through the doors I slam on my sunnies so noone else can cap the tears falling down, and in the car try and get it together. I get home and I fail... I'm putting the groceries away crying. Humiliation. How come this hurts me so bad? Is it because I grew up as the daughter of a millionaire, too used to being fed all the good stuff?? It shouldn't be, I've been on the DPB for two years now. My toughest days were at the start of the benefit days. Its not my first food grant. Or my second.
But yesterday and today have been the most painful days for a number of months. Perhaps even a year. I feel for the ones doing worse than me. At least I don't have to buy smokes or alcohol. Or feed a drug addiction. How are the children in those families surviving?
I am a lucky one. In one month I'm bailing to Australia. Good timing for me. If it weren't for my best friend taking us on, then I'd be well and truely fucked come end of May. When my boarder is due to go home to Scotland. It woulda been good luck to me buying all our petrol and groceries on $30 per week. I guess its time for me to get my a into g and find my calling. Time to take on the world I think...
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