So tired... can't wait to escape

Today I feel REALLY tired. Again. Funny how that happens as a sole parent of two little people. Blah. Seems like lately they have been waking up a million times a night, and its really messing with my sleep. Which then affects my concentration, and my study, my writing... jeez. I want out of my current situation. I cannot wait to move. I dislike being on a benefit, and I am so glad to be going to Sydney soon. I am so grateful to the lovely lady who is leasing us her house and I feel so lucky, but I just want to be where the luck is about now. I'm so over being poor, tired and alone. I almost put miserable. But I'm not really miserable. I think my financial bit is the only part of my life that I am genuinely unhappy with. And I know it doesn't matter in a lot of ways, but it also does matter in a lot of ways when you can't afford your bills and to live in some kind of relative comfort. Well never mind. Goodbye struggling life, hello new world. I hope I like it. A lot. And I hope I am happier in Sydney than I have been here for the past couple of weeks. I know the struggle comes before victory, so I am looking forward to climbing back up the mountain of happiness :)

Down & out... last week

I started last week, but didn't finish... ooppps...

Today is a down & out day. I'm trying to catch up/get ahead in my course. But picture books and stories aren't really doing it for me. I just got off the phone with an agent, and I feel so stuck. It's such a mission to get a place in Sydney, and I am starting to lose hope. I feel like I am going against everything... usually everything works out for me... this time its feeling like nothing is working out. Have I made the wrong decision? Or am I just tired again? Tired and emotional?

I know everything is going to be so different in Auz. Its not going to be easy. Its not going to be like here. Its going to be so far different, I may as well be in space... I know the kids will be ok. Will I? I know I'll be more satisfied with my family life, having a partner to support me & a father figure for the kids is a dream come true...

But is it me just chasing a dream? And will the reality reflect the dream? Or am I just asking for trouble?

Fear... funny. Its what I am supposed to be writing about.

Finally calmed down... Happiness

Ahhh, finally stumbled upon just what I needed... www.actionforhappiness.org. It reminded me where I need to be. I am now a huge fan. I think I would like to start my own lil group when I arrive in Sydney. I'll be keen as to spread happiness with kindness and nice stuff like that. This is where I should be putting my energy... Thank goodness for a brilliant mind to develop such an organisation!!

Finally hitting my relaxedness... Mmmmm. Time for bed I think :)

Happiness

Feeling passionate...

Wow, its been a while since I've had these feelings. I'm getting angry, fired up... The world seems so ignorant these days.

Two posts on facebook today got me...

1. Pieter T asked "what's your guys feeling on the whole 'file-sharing now illegal' debate?" and I was roped in... Amongst the answers were the truth. It's a waste of money. There are far more important things to put money into. How bout poverty, fixing social issues such as drug and alcohol abuse, child abuse, domestic violence etc. Ok, a whole generation or two file share. We download stuff illegally. But we aren't taking anything from anyone. It's not stealing. I'm a mum on the DPB. You want me to listen to silence cuz I can't afford to choose a CD over feeding my kids? Any GREAT artist will say they want their music to inspire, or change something in the world. That requires that people listen. And if that means the people at the bottom of the food chain have to illegally down load, then so be it. Maybe its a bit different if you're a CEO earning $500,000 a year and you are downloading. Damn, all I'd say to you is stop being a greedy cunt and pay, someone has to feed the musicians making the music. I solidly support the music coming out of NZ. I pay for it. Unless it is David Dallas. He gives his music to us for free. Cuz he's chasing the BIG TIME... and full credit to him, cuz he will be one that actually makes it. But the big multi millionaires in the US, the ones that aren't exactly hanging on to every penny, what do they care if lil Melissa downloads an album or two? Or a hundred? I'm listening to it, not selling it to make money off someone elses work. I'm allowed to listen to radio. That's free... So fuck this law. I have authority issues. I don't like being told what to do. By anyone. I choose my life, my way, my path. I'm a writer. I don't earn shit. I won't until I crack myself a best seller. And until then, I want to follow the paths of the creative greats... be poor and happy, and once the riches fall in, I'll try and make the world a better place....

2... Stuff posted a question "New Plymouth Girls' High School has relaxed its uniform rules and now allows students to have lip and nose piercings. What's your reaction to this?"

Jeez, I think that's awesome. Why make a big fuss over piercings? It doesn't hurt anyone. And there are all these old fashioned people saying crazy stuff, schools should bring back corporal punishment, and that kids have no respect cuz parents can't hit their children etc. As a mother, I'm against hitting kids. It was a fabulous law. Any parent that disputes this is a fucking terrible parent in my opinion. I'm a SOLO mother, and my kids are well behaved (most of the time) and yeah, occasionally you hear a swear word here and there, they hit each other, fight... but that's NORMAL... So what if a teenager has a piercing? Really, in this day in age, who actually cares?

The reality is the world is moving on baby boomers. Get used to it. We are coming up, things are changing. Now to motivate the young people to make the revolution happen. Young people today care about the important things, poverty, social responsibility, saving the environment. We are the ones that have been given the task of fixing all the previous generations damage. So its time to rise up, take the reins, fight for what is important, and leave these petty battles behind.

Ahhh, now I feel much better. I've unloaded my packed frustrations. For today. I wonder how the rest of the day will go...

Me

To try start again...

This post will be a work in progress. I am spurred by a number of things, a person from my course mentioned my blog... and my shitty start to the week.

I'm strongly feeling strongly for solo mamas studying on the DPB right now... I am one of them. As of the 1st of April the government increased the base benefits. Mine went up $10 apparently. The government had, since October (I think) been giving us an extra $5 "GST relief". Ok, thanks for that government, but maybe it would've been wise to tell us that the "GST relief" was only until 1st of April, to help with the increased GST when it came into play. But now thats gone. Along with my entire $48 extra temporary additional support. Which was basically contributing to my childcare costs... Which you need if you study. So my $10 increase, actually resulted in a $30 reduction.

I managed to get myself a $150 food grant. Wicked. Thanks WINZ. I have $300 left. If I want that I have to show them my budget. That will be so fun... I'm an excellent budgeter. I left in tears yesterday.... Didn't do the shopping till today.

So this afternoon I pull into the Countdown Paihia parking lot. Emotionally I felt ok. I told myself "I'll be fine". I had myself the list of food I wanted to get to last as long as humanly possible with numbers down the left estimating how much I'd spend. Walking through the fruit and vege section I realised I had totally forgotten to write down apples for the kids. Add $4. Opps. I went through and weighed everything (which I usually don't bother with) and felt like a broken ass. Meat section. The MEAN section more like it. $10.50 for 1kg mince... hmmm. Bugger. Only one of those can go in. Get myself a couple of the smallest steaks I can find and think to myself "thats my treat for the week". I see the lamb. Before, I would do roast lamb once every three or so weeks. I look at the price $17 for a little tiny itty bitty one. Yeah, nah, that'd blow the budget by way too much. My heart sinks a little bit. I pick out the smallest packets of chicken I can find. Literally the cheapest, smallest bits on the shelf... then try to walk past the bacon... but I look at it longingly, thinking how much we like bacon on our french toast Sunday mornings. My eyes start to prickle, realising that this is how life is right now... But I take a breath... Holding it together. Just.

The next few isles are pretty much as I expected, although I was gutted that I missed out on the $1 chopped tomatos, none left. Then I walk past the easter eggs. Again I get the prickle of tears in my eyes. They have all the big beautiful boxed ones, I noticed a few that are about $5.50, tiny ones, and my heart is breaking. What will I get my kids for their easter? I see some eggs, they are mid sized, no box, no chocolate buttons, just wrapped, $3 each. Just holding down tears, I decide to throw in two, one for baby girl and one for my boy, even if it means I go over my $150. That will mean I don't have to drive 20kms to the Warehouse and waste gas to save $1 on an egg I can't really afford anyways.

I get to the top of the next isle, and staring at me is yoghurt. Crap, forgot to put that on the list. And I know I can probably go without it, but it makes life easier on the weekends if I can give my baby girl a yoghurt before her midday nap. There goes another $4.

So I'm down to the last isle. Yes, I'm almost out of here... And so far I haven't broken down. Awesome, I can see the finish line. Dammit, no home brand bread. Have to spend an extra dollar on super soft. Bugger.

Finally, the checkout. I get in behind a lil old lady. I can't see anyone I know. I breathe out. Relief. With half my items on the checkout, with a couple of bits and pieces to the side in case I go over, a day care mum pops up behind me. And mentions easter. And I fail. I point to my eggs sitting in the trolley. "That's all mine get this year". I start to tell her about my day yesterday, but I can't hold it together. The lady on the checkout says "171.40" and I hand over my WINZ food grant sheet. Tears are streaming from my eyes, and I'm still trying to hold it back. I pay the extra $20 on my credit card, and the poor day care mum is standing there asking if I need anything. Which, "I don't", I say "I've got food, kids won't go hungry, thats all that really matters to me." I say thank you to her though, its nice to know she cares, and then bolt out as quick as I can. God I hope noone else saw me. I never cry. And definitely not in public.

Once I'm through the doors I slam on my sunnies so noone else can cap the tears falling down, and in the car try and get it together. I get home and I fail... I'm putting the groceries away crying. Humiliation. How come this hurts me so bad? Is it because I grew up as the daughter of a millionaire, too used to being fed all the good stuff?? It shouldn't be, I've been on the DPB for two years now. My toughest days were at the start of the benefit days. Its not my first food grant. Or my second.

But yesterday and today have been the most painful days for a number of months. Perhaps even a year. I feel for the ones doing worse than me. At least I don't have to buy smokes or alcohol. Or feed a drug addiction. How are the children in those families surviving?

I am a lucky one. In one month I'm bailing to Australia. Good timing for me. If it weren't for my best friend taking us on, then I'd be well and truely fucked come end of May. When my boarder is due to go home to Scotland. It woulda been good luck to me buying all our petrol and groceries on $30 per week. I guess its time for me to get my a into g and find my calling. Time to take on the world I think...

Eyes

The task here was to describe a body part...

On a dark cloudy day,
they are a cold, dark grey blue,
like shiny stones,
that know what is true.

On a bright clear day,
they sparkle, green and blue,
like diamonds from an ocean,
that are looking straight at you.

My evening companion

This is the fourth weeks exercise...
We had to play blind and pick up something and describe it

My evening companion

Soft, big and plush;
I like stroking the fur,
It’s lovely to touch,
But it doesn’t purr,

So nice to squeeze,
It returns to its shape,
It doesn’t have knees,
It’d be hard to break,

It doesn’t have a smell,
And has no sound to hear,
I wonder if you can tell,
This is my big teddy bear.