Struggling with a ghost

I am still in love with him and it hurts so bad. I am still in love with the him that loved me. I am so hurting from this love. I think back to how he was when I met him. I think of how much he adored me. I think how his love was so powerful. How he would do anything for me. And it brings tears to my eyes. I can see how much he loved me... And it brings so much pain. I just wanted the old him back so bad. It tears me to pieces. I am in love with this amazing person who loved me the way I loved him and he doesn't exist anymore. It kills me because I can't sleep. I go to bed and spend hours trying to relax and all I can think about is how angry and hurt I felt when I realized there was some other girl in my bed. This is torture. I just keep wishing this didn't happen. How could the love of my life change so much??? How could he just forget the love he felt for me and do that to me?? I don't understand. I can't just find someone else. I can't just move on. He still possesses me. I have two beautiful kids to look after and I can't help but feel the pain when I picture him trying so hard to keep us together before it all broke up. It makes me sad, makes me cry. I love the him that loved me. I just didn't want this for myself and my kids.

I know I am probably better off without him. I know I should be so proud of getting out. But I can't help but miss the man I loved so dearly. I can't help but feel pain that someone I loved like nothing else, could destroy my heart and leave me so hurt. He doesn't want to know about my pain. He doesn't want to hear my hurt. I want to tell him I miss him so much and wish we could be a family but I wouldn't have a chance because he won't let me. I know it is over. But it is just so painful. Today is bad because I haven't slept much over the past week. This week is awful because I woke up this morning at 3.30am to my crying little baby. And all I wanted was him there in my bed. To tell me I am a good mum and to tell me everything will be ok. All I wanted was his big strong lovable eyes looking at me smiling... but they are long gone now... so I am left with this memory, haunting me... like a ghost...