The truth hurts

Why am I doing this? First of all this is not to run HIM down into the ground. It is not for sympathy or pity. It is not for gossips to start shit stirring about me. It is because I need to stop playing down the depth of what has been happening in my life. I am sick of acting like everything is all good, when in fact it is not. I know for some people this may seem spiteful and so far I have been told it is pathetic and disgusting. But those people obviously cannot grasp the nightmare that I have lived with over the past year. They obviously cannot see the pain I have suffered. I am sick of hiding reality from people because of the shame I felt while I was going through it. I am sick of feeling like noone really knows me or that I should down play the shittiness of it all because I don't want anyone to see my pain. I am sick of walking round feeling just horrible and never telling the whole truth to anyone.

When I fell pregnant with Aaliyah it was an accident, failed IUD. I was working and everything was great. But after I found out I was pregnant my whole life turned to shit. I worked my ass off providing for my son Noah. I repeatedly requested HIM to get a job to help out because I suffered severe morning sickness yet he didn't lift a finger to get a job. Instead, he got arrested as a result of the shit friends he associated with and went on a curfew for ages. I ended up running around like a slave for him, going to the shops whenever he needed what ever, at 10pm and before work. When he was allowed out during the day he still wouldn't take Noah for a walk to the shop to get simple things like bread or milk, I was expected to drop everything while getting ready for work and go do everything, making me late most days of the week.

It was at this time when he should've been treating me like a godess, that he chose to go behind my back and lie about using p with his mates. I knew what was going on in my heart and confronted him about it he lied. He swore on all things sacred that he wasn't doing it but he was lying to my face, killing me inside because he was feeling guilty about the lies and continuing on this path of destruction. Our relationship turned hell violent, by my standards anyways.

He became a monster, throwing stuff around, breaking stuff. Having huge rows in front of Noah. He has put his hand around my throat and threatened to kill me before. He has picked up our 40 inch tv in front of Noah and threatened to throw it outside and smash it to pieces. He has shoved me while I was pregnant and thrown things at me... I had the horror pregnancy. He ran me into the ground with insults, telling me I was a slut and a bad mother. I remember during my depression laying in bed feeling like the most terrible mother because I was too exhausted to do anything, I didn't want to get out of bed, I hated myself for the fact I wasn't being the perfect mum and HE would stand there and say I was useless and how would I cope with two when I couldn't even cope with one. Some days I would believe him. He would threaten that I couldn't look after them if I left and that they would have to stay with him. He hurt me like I have never been hurt before.

By December I was suicidal and suffering massive depression. I didn't want to leave because I was afraid of having a baby by myself and trying to cope with two when I could barely cope with one. He made me feel so small and useless. I didn't realise that the only reason I couldn't cope was because I was so depressed. I couldn't see that I was so depressed because I had no trust or respect for him. He had been telling me since June 2008 he was getting a job next week or next month, I was sick of hearing it and so that was the start of most fights. During my pregnancy I returned home one day to find a broken lightbulb outside on the lawn. I was horrified because I refuse to have that shit around me and my kids. This was put down to one of his mates leaving it there, and I was assured it would never happen again. Unfortunately, it did happen again, when I returned from one of my destress breaks I found another lightbulb in the coffee table drawer. The same friend was responsible. It was following this find that I discovered that I had been lied to for the past six months of pregnancy.

Don't ask me why I stayed, I truely do not know. I think I was clutching on to some hope that something would change. I was hoping my expectation that his friends would no longer come around at all would help. I hoped that by stopping them from coming to our house things would change. I hoped that a job would happen, or that some miracle would happen and that he would just figure out what the drug scene was doing to our family and walk away from the 'bros' and just make a fresh start. But it was too much to ask.

Baby was born on 30 December 2008. I had trouble bonding with her. I couldn't understand why. I was miserable. It took me so long to feel anywhere close to the love I had with Noah. I spent the first three months depressed and unable to cope. I depended on whatever help I could get. Thanks to the grandparents (and he who was an extremely good dad to Noah during this time, but he obviously didn't understand what was going on and what he was doing to me) who helped so much when I couldn't deal with Noah, when I was depressed and didn't want to get out of bed... let alone eat or anything resembling parenting...

So for me, getting a break away from Rotorua and the people who feature in my pain was great. I have been betrayed like never before. Unexplainably hurt. I am devestated because I expected this 'friend' to be cut off... But when I returned from one of my get aways Noah found a glass pipe, fortunately he pointed it out to me and didn't get a hold of it, but that made me realise that things weren't going to change. This pipe of course belonged to the same 'friend' as the lightbulbs. He owned up to it, apologised and told me a lot of bull about how he didn't know it was there and HE had nothing to do with it and he didn't deserve to lose his family over it... la de da ra ra. But I will never forgive myself for letting it get to this point. I made it clear to this friend he was to never come anywhere near me my home or my kids again and I made it clear to him if he had anything to do with him that was it. And well he still has lots to do with him.