Moving on?

Well I am trying so so hard to move on. It is so tough. I am trying to be strong and be happy for the kids but it can be so hard. I am so so tired and can't sleep with everything going on in my brain. I am trying to put on a happy face, and sometimes it is so so hard. It hurts so much because he has his new girlfriend and acts all happy. It is heartbreaking. He says that he is going to go to Auz with her. Jeez, thats what we did at the start when we were happy. I know in my heart that it shouldn't matter to me, that I should move on. I hate the fact that I even miss him at all. I hate the fact that I hold onto that time when he wasn't such a horrible shit. I shouldn't care at all about him. But I do. It's so horrible. It is extremely unfair. Why do I have to care at all about this person who has put me through hell? I wish I could just turn it off. I guess it is getting easier as the days go by. But I can't help it sometimes at night when I just miss his arms and I love yous... before everything went so horrible and sad. I am trying so hard, I just don't want to care about him. I have been told I should try and "move on" but I honestly don't think I could bring myself to be with someone else yet. Not to worry because I have my two fabulous kids, but it would be nice to have the love and support of someone who truely cares about my life and my kids and what I want to achieve... I am almost too scared to hope. Never mind, hopefully time will help me to move on...

Struggling with a ghost

I am still in love with him and it hurts so bad. I am still in love with the him that loved me. I am so hurting from this love. I think back to how he was when I met him. I think of how much he adored me. I think how his love was so powerful. How he would do anything for me. And it brings tears to my eyes. I can see how much he loved me... And it brings so much pain. I just wanted the old him back so bad. It tears me to pieces. I am in love with this amazing person who loved me the way I loved him and he doesn't exist anymore. It kills me because I can't sleep. I go to bed and spend hours trying to relax and all I can think about is how angry and hurt I felt when I realized there was some other girl in my bed. This is torture. I just keep wishing this didn't happen. How could the love of my life change so much??? How could he just forget the love he felt for me and do that to me?? I don't understand. I can't just find someone else. I can't just move on. He still possesses me. I have two beautiful kids to look after and I can't help but feel the pain when I picture him trying so hard to keep us together before it all broke up. It makes me sad, makes me cry. I love the him that loved me. I just didn't want this for myself and my kids.

I know I am probably better off without him. I know I should be so proud of getting out. But I can't help but miss the man I loved so dearly. I can't help but feel pain that someone I loved like nothing else, could destroy my heart and leave me so hurt. He doesn't want to know about my pain. He doesn't want to hear my hurt. I want to tell him I miss him so much and wish we could be a family but I wouldn't have a chance because he won't let me. I know it is over. But it is just so painful. Today is bad because I haven't slept much over the past week. This week is awful because I woke up this morning at 3.30am to my crying little baby. And all I wanted was him there in my bed. To tell me I am a good mum and to tell me everything will be ok. All I wanted was his big strong lovable eyes looking at me smiling... but they are long gone now... so I am left with this memory, haunting me... like a ghost...

Drama good enough for TV

I thought I would share this... and this story does not require pity or sympathy because it has hardened me up... I am so strong for this event in my life!!

On Tuesday I drove to Rotorua at 7am to tell him what I thought of him!! And remind him he should be moving out that afternoon... I arrived home thinking he would be asleep and I would be able to give him a piece of my mind... Went into the lounge, since that is where he usually sleeps in my house and found two people sleeping there who shouldn't have been in my house. I was so so mad. I flew into my bedroom, ripped my duvet off my bed and what do ya know, he is in my bed with another girl!!!! Gee wow, thats nice. Glad I saw it for myself. In total shock horror I smashed his head in. I gave him a good few punches to the head, slapped him a few times and stomped on his foot. I feel pretty damn proud of myself since this is the first time I have ever done anything of the sort. I now have a broken hand, but feel so good about seeing the truth for myself. I never would have thought he could sink so low but wow, reality has sunk in. I was so too nice and fell for some wicked good lying!!! Oh well... onwards and upwards to me!!!

Things will get better for me. I'm on the way up now... Bring on my new life :)

The truth hurts

Why am I doing this? First of all this is not to run HIM down into the ground. It is not for sympathy or pity. It is not for gossips to start shit stirring about me. It is because I need to stop playing down the depth of what has been happening in my life. I am sick of acting like everything is all good, when in fact it is not. I know for some people this may seem spiteful and so far I have been told it is pathetic and disgusting. But those people obviously cannot grasp the nightmare that I have lived with over the past year. They obviously cannot see the pain I have suffered. I am sick of hiding reality from people because of the shame I felt while I was going through it. I am sick of feeling like noone really knows me or that I should down play the shittiness of it all because I don't want anyone to see my pain. I am sick of walking round feeling just horrible and never telling the whole truth to anyone.

When I fell pregnant with Aaliyah it was an accident, failed IUD. I was working and everything was great. But after I found out I was pregnant my whole life turned to shit. I worked my ass off providing for my son Noah. I repeatedly requested HIM to get a job to help out because I suffered severe morning sickness yet he didn't lift a finger to get a job. Instead, he got arrested as a result of the shit friends he associated with and went on a curfew for ages. I ended up running around like a slave for him, going to the shops whenever he needed what ever, at 10pm and before work. When he was allowed out during the day he still wouldn't take Noah for a walk to the shop to get simple things like bread or milk, I was expected to drop everything while getting ready for work and go do everything, making me late most days of the week.

It was at this time when he should've been treating me like a godess, that he chose to go behind my back and lie about using p with his mates. I knew what was going on in my heart and confronted him about it he lied. He swore on all things sacred that he wasn't doing it but he was lying to my face, killing me inside because he was feeling guilty about the lies and continuing on this path of destruction. Our relationship turned hell violent, by my standards anyways.

He became a monster, throwing stuff around, breaking stuff. Having huge rows in front of Noah. He has put his hand around my throat and threatened to kill me before. He has picked up our 40 inch tv in front of Noah and threatened to throw it outside and smash it to pieces. He has shoved me while I was pregnant and thrown things at me... I had the horror pregnancy. He ran me into the ground with insults, telling me I was a slut and a bad mother. I remember during my depression laying in bed feeling like the most terrible mother because I was too exhausted to do anything, I didn't want to get out of bed, I hated myself for the fact I wasn't being the perfect mum and HE would stand there and say I was useless and how would I cope with two when I couldn't even cope with one. Some days I would believe him. He would threaten that I couldn't look after them if I left and that they would have to stay with him. He hurt me like I have never been hurt before.

By December I was suicidal and suffering massive depression. I didn't want to leave because I was afraid of having a baby by myself and trying to cope with two when I could barely cope with one. He made me feel so small and useless. I didn't realise that the only reason I couldn't cope was because I was so depressed. I couldn't see that I was so depressed because I had no trust or respect for him. He had been telling me since June 2008 he was getting a job next week or next month, I was sick of hearing it and so that was the start of most fights. During my pregnancy I returned home one day to find a broken lightbulb outside on the lawn. I was horrified because I refuse to have that shit around me and my kids. This was put down to one of his mates leaving it there, and I was assured it would never happen again. Unfortunately, it did happen again, when I returned from one of my destress breaks I found another lightbulb in the coffee table drawer. The same friend was responsible. It was following this find that I discovered that I had been lied to for the past six months of pregnancy.

Don't ask me why I stayed, I truely do not know. I think I was clutching on to some hope that something would change. I was hoping my expectation that his friends would no longer come around at all would help. I hoped that by stopping them from coming to our house things would change. I hoped that a job would happen, or that some miracle would happen and that he would just figure out what the drug scene was doing to our family and walk away from the 'bros' and just make a fresh start. But it was too much to ask.

Baby was born on 30 December 2008. I had trouble bonding with her. I couldn't understand why. I was miserable. It took me so long to feel anywhere close to the love I had with Noah. I spent the first three months depressed and unable to cope. I depended on whatever help I could get. Thanks to the grandparents (and he who was an extremely good dad to Noah during this time, but he obviously didn't understand what was going on and what he was doing to me) who helped so much when I couldn't deal with Noah, when I was depressed and didn't want to get out of bed... let alone eat or anything resembling parenting...

So for me, getting a break away from Rotorua and the people who feature in my pain was great. I have been betrayed like never before. Unexplainably hurt. I am devestated because I expected this 'friend' to be cut off... But when I returned from one of my get aways Noah found a glass pipe, fortunately he pointed it out to me and didn't get a hold of it, but that made me realise that things weren't going to change. This pipe of course belonged to the same 'friend' as the lightbulbs. He owned up to it, apologised and told me a lot of bull about how he didn't know it was there and HE had nothing to do with it and he didn't deserve to lose his family over it... la de da ra ra. But I will never forgive myself for letting it get to this point. I made it clear to this friend he was to never come anywhere near me my home or my kids again and I made it clear to him if he had anything to do with him that was it. And well he still has lots to do with him.